I’m coming out! I don’t know that I want the world to know however, because my book Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to love is coming out I feel an obligation to clarify a few things with my Facebook friends. There are some of you that have re-connected with me as acquaintances, and some who were friends and we lost touch just because life happens. In my book, Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love, I looked for a common thread.
It is a memoir of my life and as a writer, I feel like that should be enough. Whoever wants to read it can read it, and if only one person is healed by my transparency then that is fine with me. However, the businesswoman, and marketing mogul in me says that I have to relate to the book somehow so that others can choose their investment.
My book talks about my relationships, tragedies and circumstances. The book details accounts of experiences that were very hurtful, and provides life lessons for youth to avoid. When I make statements that I am literally, living the ending of this book, it is because I am homeless. I have been for two years. It has been hard, an impoverishing struggle and unfortunately it is not over yet, hence the word in the title “Journey”.
I did not want to share this information with you because it’s a private situation that now has public presence because of the book. The book is not all about homelessness. It is a memoir, but I wanted to make sure that I am the one who told you (for those who know me personally) than for you to find out in a press release or something.
I did not want to tell you because I did not want to be asked about why my family did not help. I did not want to be asked this question because I cannot speak for them, but loving my family is the journey that I am on. You can follow me at my blog: www.ressurrectiongraves.blogspot.com if you want to share this journey with me to love.
To many of you, I owe a special apology as you have had these amazing life changing blessings like CD releases, concerts, art exhibits, parties etc… and my daughter and I have not been able to make it. Please know that it has nothing to do with you, I love you. I may have walked around with no money before but I’ve always had a roof over my head and food for my child and I. This is a different kind of suffering. This is not one paycheck away suffering, this is I have nothing suffering and believe me it has been long.
I still don’t have all of the answers but I want to be clear that I love you and appreciate your kindness and friendship. I hope that once I am through this trial and tribulation that the other side will be a beautiful home to invite you in for lunch and tea time!
Keep in touch,
Res
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
You broke up and you miss him, you miss her, now what?
You broke up and you miss them, now what? It's time for a little self-reflection!
Have you ever had a breakup that left you feeling like there was no closure? Most men don’t feel this way. They move on like the wind, but women typically want to be heard, understood and to feel like there is closure. Sometimes there are no words to say at the end of a relationship. Sometimes I believe, if you say nothing, it could be the best way to walk away. After people have time to think, they either want to recant the decision or realize that the best decision was made.
What happens when you have that, “I miss you” feeling I’ve wondered. What does that mean exactly? Does that mean that you really miss the person or that you miss the companionship? Does it mean that you love the person and the feeling of missing them is an epiphany of your heart’s true desire? Or, does it mean that you are longing for the good feelings of the physical connection that you all have shared?
Well, since I miss someone right now, I thought that it was the perfect time to have this conversation. When you are in a relationship and the person does not miss you, the assumption is that they may not care about you. But, what happens when the relationship is over? As I conducted some research on the topic, I noticed that most people had these “I miss you” feelings were in relationships that lasted for years. So, what is my excuse? I want to put a twist on this. Do you miss the dysfunction?
When we grow up in families that always have some kind of dysfunctional relationship between family members we are used to the energy in the room. For many people who engage in relationships with their family, they carry this same style of communication into their romantic relationships, only to find out that romantic relationships are a bit more personal and not everyone can handle the nonsense. While I am an advocate for peaceful relationships, I also remember some of the discovery that I discuss in my memoir, Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love
The way that my siblings treat me is as follows: They get upset with me, talk about me to each other behind my back, decide when they are over it, and carry on as if nothing happened. I am the communicator, I am upfront and confrontational. Sometimes people assume that confrontational means that you are upset or rude but confrontational really means that you are willing to deal with the issue head on and find a resolution. In my family they scream or ignore, so it is really hard for me in relationships to communicate this way. I cannot stand for a man to raise his voice at me, and I absolutely hate to be ignored.
How does this tie into the “I miss you” feeling? It could be that I simply feel ignored. I am used to guys recognizing that I am a good person and desiring to connect with me, so when you act like I am not valuable, I have questions. Pimps and Hoes, use this to their advantage when in relationships with others. They purposely act mean or treat people with little respect, courtesy and love because the word on the street is that your partner will keep coming back when you are mean to them. I will reframe from delving into this topic and save it for a later date.
In talking about the “I miss you” feeling, I think the key is to remember that it is a feeling. We walk by the spirit, and if your feelings are a result of a spiritual truth there will be more than just the feeling that will come over you. I say this to you, as I say to myself, Love is an action word. Remember to look for the activity of the heart and spirit to find out if your feeling is just a fleeting emotion or a spiritual awakening worthy of attention. If your significant other is not moved to contact you, or does not respond when you reach out to them, perhaps your feelings are rooted in how you communicate with others, your desire for a relationship or some other self-motivated reason.
If they are the one, you will know but likely when break-ups happen it is because someone or both parties are not compatible holistically or ready for the same kind of relationship.
Have you ever had a breakup that left you feeling like there was no closure? Most men don’t feel this way. They move on like the wind, but women typically want to be heard, understood and to feel like there is closure. Sometimes there are no words to say at the end of a relationship. Sometimes I believe, if you say nothing, it could be the best way to walk away. After people have time to think, they either want to recant the decision or realize that the best decision was made.
What happens when you have that, “I miss you” feeling I’ve wondered. What does that mean exactly? Does that mean that you really miss the person or that you miss the companionship? Does it mean that you love the person and the feeling of missing them is an epiphany of your heart’s true desire? Or, does it mean that you are longing for the good feelings of the physical connection that you all have shared?
Well, since I miss someone right now, I thought that it was the perfect time to have this conversation. When you are in a relationship and the person does not miss you, the assumption is that they may not care about you. But, what happens when the relationship is over? As I conducted some research on the topic, I noticed that most people had these “I miss you” feelings were in relationships that lasted for years. So, what is my excuse? I want to put a twist on this. Do you miss the dysfunction?
When we grow up in families that always have some kind of dysfunctional relationship between family members we are used to the energy in the room. For many people who engage in relationships with their family, they carry this same style of communication into their romantic relationships, only to find out that romantic relationships are a bit more personal and not everyone can handle the nonsense. While I am an advocate for peaceful relationships, I also remember some of the discovery that I discuss in my memoir, Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love
The way that my siblings treat me is as follows: They get upset with me, talk about me to each other behind my back, decide when they are over it, and carry on as if nothing happened. I am the communicator, I am upfront and confrontational. Sometimes people assume that confrontational means that you are upset or rude but confrontational really means that you are willing to deal with the issue head on and find a resolution. In my family they scream or ignore, so it is really hard for me in relationships to communicate this way. I cannot stand for a man to raise his voice at me, and I absolutely hate to be ignored.
How does this tie into the “I miss you” feeling? It could be that I simply feel ignored. I am used to guys recognizing that I am a good person and desiring to connect with me, so when you act like I am not valuable, I have questions. Pimps and Hoes, use this to their advantage when in relationships with others. They purposely act mean or treat people with little respect, courtesy and love because the word on the street is that your partner will keep coming back when you are mean to them. I will reframe from delving into this topic and save it for a later date.
In talking about the “I miss you” feeling, I think the key is to remember that it is a feeling. We walk by the spirit, and if your feelings are a result of a spiritual truth there will be more than just the feeling that will come over you. I say this to you, as I say to myself, Love is an action word. Remember to look for the activity of the heart and spirit to find out if your feeling is just a fleeting emotion or a spiritual awakening worthy of attention. If your significant other is not moved to contact you, or does not respond when you reach out to them, perhaps your feelings are rooted in how you communicate with others, your desire for a relationship or some other self-motivated reason.
If they are the one, you will know but likely when break-ups happen it is because someone or both parties are not compatible holistically or ready for the same kind of relationship.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Does Niecy Nash have a point about love attraction?
Niecy Nash told Brandy in Brandy and Ray J's reality show that she may not be attracting what she wants to her.
For women it is typical to write a list to be clear about what you want in a partner or relationship, but have we been doing this all wrong? I have a list of 29 character traits, habits, and personality traits that I want for my husband-to-be to possess. I felt overwhelmed by my own list since the majority of guys that I have come across lately are “Cobies”. Cobie is a term that I use in my book, Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love
Yahzarah’s single Last to leave, is my favorite song by her. It could be because of her vocal abilities, but the words are so significant. Here is a link of the song from Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L10R3E2KnRI
I keep thinking that I need someone that will not leave but in all of my relationships they try to stay. It’s me, who threatens to leave discreetly, and eventually I get them to agree that “maybe it’s not working out” and we break up. They always come back, but as Brandy's mother said in their reality show, once you leave and come back it is never the same. For me, what I am learning is that I need someone that I can’t walk away from. Sometimes we fight for the relationship because our emotions are involved, but we know that the person doesn’t have the qualities that we really want or need in a life partner.
After a conversation with a friend who has been married for at least 30 years, he left me with the following prayer. He said ask God to give you someone that you cannot refuse. He went on that he married someone that was perfect for him, but she did not have the model look that he was used to. He is happily married and if I might add an amazing father to his children and serial entrepreneur.
During the Brandy and Ray J reality show that I caught a glimpse of this weekend, the mother was talking about their 35 years of marriage. She mentioned that us young people, leave but the key is to stay. I think she just called us weaklings, punks, quitters, and based on the divorce rate it may be true.
We find all of these reasons to be together but, then we discover all of these reasons to leave. If we discuss the non-negotiables upfront then the only issues left are those that we have to handle maturely. You can't leave someone because of them keeping their car dirty or a toothpaste tube. One of my non-negotiables that I have compromised is smoking. I can not stand a man that smokes. It looks cool but it's really not healthy and when I think about someone I want to spend my life with, I can not imagine having a husband that smokes.
I am talking to myself when I say that I have compromised the list that I came up with because unfortunately there are no prospects if I keep the list. However, when I get into friendships, or dating relationships I become unhappy, not because I am a pessimistic or chronically unhappy person but because I know that I am not keeping with my own personal non-negotiables.
There are some things on my list that may be negotiable. I want a man for instance that knows how to pray and has an intimate relationship with God. He doesn’t have to be an aspiring preacher or connected to a specific ministry in the church, but he should have a clarity or vision of his ministry to the world to some degree. If he is an NFL athlete great, but I know that God has put something special on the inside of him to be a person of influence as an Entrepreneur, a teacher, a counselor etc…
I want my man to be true to himself, and in so doing, I have been choosing the wrong guys who are not on my list, and allowing them to be true to themselves has cost my being treated like the beautiful woman that I am. When you are not treated with your value, it can diminish your sensibilities. Needless to say, I am happy to be single.
I am a hopeless romantic and dating a man who is not emotionally available doesn’t work for me. I need someone who is in touch with his feelings and who is extremely affectionate. I don’t mind being touched and loved on in public.
I think when you meet anyone you should know what they are looking for. You may not want to say that you want to get married because married is some kind of freakish two headed monster to guys. I would like to clear this up by the way. Just because a girl wants to get married, doesn’t mean that she wants to marry you. You must qualify.
I cannot tell you how many guys have suggested that I am perfect for them but insisted that they were not good enough for me, or at least they questioned it. Note to self, if the man has to question whether he is good enough for you, he is not. Raising his confidence doesn’t change who he is. Remember, he knows his own thoughts, intentions, and his character so if he doesn’t believe in himself, rather than jumping into help meet mode to support him, you should….believe him. Even worse, if you ask his best friends for the truth and they can’t even lie to you, then if you choose to continue dating him, don’t allow emotions to get involved, it will not last.
When you have found a good man with a good reputation, people will say nice things about him. The last guy that I dated just happened to be someone that had friends that knew me. I did not do this on purpose trust me. But they all told him things like how did you get her? Well, she’s a good girl, don’t mess this up. Funny thing is, that was a warning for me!
So what does Ressurrection want? Of course I can give you the superficial answers like he should look like Lamman Rucker or Morris Chestnut, and have swag like Michael Jordan and Denzel Washington. Have you ever seen the walk on Michael Jordan and Denzel Washington? Lord ha mercy. I would like his toes not to look chewed up or his hands to be filthy.
But when I did some soul-searching and looked at my list again here is the honest to god truth, I want a man who will take care of me. I look back at my teenage dating experiences, and I have always been treated with respect, even my boyfriends’ friends looked out for me by association. If I went on a date and my girls wanted to go, by man would take care of all the ladies as a gesture of kindness. And that is just my truth. I think that it is manly to love a woman by protecting her and being a giver. Likewise I am a giver.
I have found that men are so focused on their own selfish needs that they don’t open the door anymore. I have dated the thug and the nerd and they both open the car door for me. I believe in love, and I believe it is an action word; a spiritual experience. Love is God, and God is love and fear cannot co-exist. On that principle alone, there are millions of men that are not open-hearted enough to date me. I have been told that I am deep or insightful. I am channeled, and I know what I want.
On my list, to sum up all the things that are important to me I would have to have a man that knows what love is, and desires it wholeheartedly, and knows when it’s staring him in the face. I would have to have a man who is unselfish, and comfortable in his skin. I don’t want a man that parties all night in the clubs, or who has a daughter. It is my personal belief that any man that I am really attracted to would be an amazing father to his children, and therefore not have or make time for me. Additionally, having a daughter is hard because she often has daddy around her finger, and also openly displays her disdain with you to the father. Sometimes it can be a competition of female energy and I am not interested in having to deal with this.
Keeping up with the Kardashians and Lamar Odom
I don’t know how this happened but I became fascinated by the show with Keeping up with the Kardashians. I love Khloe, Lamar Odom’s wife. As the re-runs were airing I had a chance to see how Khloe and Lamar got married. I had an opportunity to see him. I loved that he was not afraid to cry, and that he was so connected to his emotions. It did not make him a punk, it made him whole. He is comfortable in his skin, he is aware of his feelings, and he handled himself well. I love the way he loves her. For many who do not believe that you can meet someone and fall in love, I believe. I have no proof I haven’t done it, I am not married, but Lamar and Khloe did! She mentioned that he turns over and says I love you in his sleep. That is love and it is beautiful.
Finally I want to try to describe the kind of love that I want. When I was younger, and fell in love for what I credit as the first time it was an inseparable bond. We were joined at the hip, we explored each other physically (amazing), we didn’t care what anyone said about us and we could not wait for the opportunity to tell the world that we were in love. I feel like I am not doing this any justice. It was an irresponsible unexplainable high that heroine or sniffing paint would never compare to. It was euphoric, and to some degree we were selfish in that, spending our time with each other were priority over everything. We went to school together, and we defended each other. It was beautiful to know that another person could care for me that much.
We are adults now, and we have to work and carry on our individual lives but I want that ecstasy experience. For Christians you do know what I mean because you have been to that place with God where all you want to do is spend time in his presence. You may worship God with singing, dancing, or maybe you just want to study him to get to know him better. Think about what it would be like to date God, but in a man…that is what I want.
He is not to replace God but when we know the love of God, and have a clarity about the way in which he loves us, treating the person that we love the way that God would is easier to do after all, love is an action word. I also know that there are humanistic realities to which I must remember, about his clothing being in the floor or not washing the dishes. Maybe he needs to be good with money or some other thing that is important. I would like him to be interested in business. He doesn’t have to be a big business mogul but I would like for us to share business and entrepreneurship in common because it is so much of my life.
I just believe that if we get back to love, true love then the practical things will be more desirable because you want your mate to be happy. Maybe the world I live in, where love is this indescribable experience doesn’t exist anymore and I will grow old with these desires, but I have to believe that there is at least one other person on this planet within my age range that happens to be 6’0-6’5 200-250lbs preferably look like Lamman Rucker, or Morris Chestnut, who feels the same way about love, who desires the same things and brings his strengths to the relationship. Conversely, if he has a different physical appearance but the love making is out of this world, I will be just fine. I would rather have heaven in my bedroom than to have someone that looks like heaven but can take me there in the bedroom. It is definitely important to me to find compatibility in all areas.
As for Lamar, I love that he knew what he wanted and he was not afraid. In a separate episode, the father Bruce let the family go to NY and he stayed home. He was considered the party pooper. He saw that this really bothered his wife Kris. I thought that he should have hopped on a plane and surprised his wife, but I respected that he gave her something new to come home to. He stayed true to himself as a man, but he realized how important it was that he, do something to keep his wife’s attention. He cut his hair and added diamond earrings. She loved it! And quite frankly, even I think this 60 year old man looks sexy. Get it Bruce!
I want love, in a way that I have never had it before. I want to meet someone who is genuine, kind, loving, and giving who cares about my day, my thoughts and who becomes a true friend. I want someone who cannot live without me, and someone that I cannot leave. I want a man with an edge, refer to McLyte’s Ruffneck, and someone hopelessly romantic like Jada Pinkett’s beau in the move Set it off. As much as I want a man in Timberland’s or Nike Boots, and a three piece tuxedo in a business environment, I want to be free to be the same. I want something that I have never had before. I want to travel with my man to great national parks, maybe even climb a mountain. I want the full experience of a dating relationship. I don’t want to be duped for dinner and a movie, or backyard B-B-Q’s alone. Likewise, I am a TLC, Hat to the back kinda girl http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eo-TrSQ7QZc&feature=related you just might find me in nike boots one day, and I'd like to be with someone who finds my baggy jeans and nike boots sexy.
And I love family. Since I am not close to mine, it would be an honor to find a man with a large family who have positive relationships with each other. I want to look forward to holiday gatherings, and spur of the moment dinners. I think that is why I am drawn to watch the Kardashians. I have never been out with my sisters, never. Not even once. We have never all went out to anything together, not a movie or anything else.
Maybe I do need a man who is financially established, but the money won’t win me over, his heart will. Look at your list, are you really dating someone that is the person that you would desire to spend your life with? I’m not asking if he’s the one, I’m asking if you are even in the dating ball park. I’m not. Just as I have decided for my business that I need a change, so does my love life.
So, I am praying that I send and receive the right energy so that I get men of character, distinction who are responsible, single, faithful, seeking friendship and true love. At least, I should have some choices, and we’ll see what happens. Honestly, I hope that it happens like Khloe. This is something I have always wanted. I don’t need three years to figure out if you’re good for me. I know in the beginning, and whether I continue the relationship beyond knowing that you are not, is a whole other conversation. I hope that when the one comes, I just know and we just flow, and that we act unafraid and live in the liberty of love. The world tells you that you have to become friends, or do it a certain way, but GOD said that it was good for man not to be alone, and Adam went to sleep and then arrived Eve. Not to simplify this example but your spirit will speak, and I would like to find someone who knows that I was made to love him.
Stay tuned…
For women it is typical to write a list to be clear about what you want in a partner or relationship, but have we been doing this all wrong? I have a list of 29 character traits, habits, and personality traits that I want for my husband-to-be to possess. I felt overwhelmed by my own list since the majority of guys that I have come across lately are “Cobies”. Cobie is a term that I use in my book, Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love
Yahzarah’s single Last to leave, is my favorite song by her. It could be because of her vocal abilities, but the words are so significant. Here is a link of the song from Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L10R3E2KnRI
I keep thinking that I need someone that will not leave but in all of my relationships they try to stay. It’s me, who threatens to leave discreetly, and eventually I get them to agree that “maybe it’s not working out” and we break up. They always come back, but as Brandy's mother said in their reality show, once you leave and come back it is never the same. For me, what I am learning is that I need someone that I can’t walk away from. Sometimes we fight for the relationship because our emotions are involved, but we know that the person doesn’t have the qualities that we really want or need in a life partner.
After a conversation with a friend who has been married for at least 30 years, he left me with the following prayer. He said ask God to give you someone that you cannot refuse. He went on that he married someone that was perfect for him, but she did not have the model look that he was used to. He is happily married and if I might add an amazing father to his children and serial entrepreneur.
During the Brandy and Ray J reality show that I caught a glimpse of this weekend, the mother was talking about their 35 years of marriage. She mentioned that us young people, leave but the key is to stay. I think she just called us weaklings, punks, quitters, and based on the divorce rate it may be true.
We find all of these reasons to be together but, then we discover all of these reasons to leave. If we discuss the non-negotiables upfront then the only issues left are those that we have to handle maturely. You can't leave someone because of them keeping their car dirty or a toothpaste tube. One of my non-negotiables that I have compromised is smoking. I can not stand a man that smokes. It looks cool but it's really not healthy and when I think about someone I want to spend my life with, I can not imagine having a husband that smokes.
I am talking to myself when I say that I have compromised the list that I came up with because unfortunately there are no prospects if I keep the list. However, when I get into friendships, or dating relationships I become unhappy, not because I am a pessimistic or chronically unhappy person but because I know that I am not keeping with my own personal non-negotiables.
There are some things on my list that may be negotiable. I want a man for instance that knows how to pray and has an intimate relationship with God. He doesn’t have to be an aspiring preacher or connected to a specific ministry in the church, but he should have a clarity or vision of his ministry to the world to some degree. If he is an NFL athlete great, but I know that God has put something special on the inside of him to be a person of influence as an Entrepreneur, a teacher, a counselor etc…
I want my man to be true to himself, and in so doing, I have been choosing the wrong guys who are not on my list, and allowing them to be true to themselves has cost my being treated like the beautiful woman that I am. When you are not treated with your value, it can diminish your sensibilities. Needless to say, I am happy to be single.
I am a hopeless romantic and dating a man who is not emotionally available doesn’t work for me. I need someone who is in touch with his feelings and who is extremely affectionate. I don’t mind being touched and loved on in public.
I think when you meet anyone you should know what they are looking for. You may not want to say that you want to get married because married is some kind of freakish two headed monster to guys. I would like to clear this up by the way. Just because a girl wants to get married, doesn’t mean that she wants to marry you. You must qualify.
I cannot tell you how many guys have suggested that I am perfect for them but insisted that they were not good enough for me, or at least they questioned it. Note to self, if the man has to question whether he is good enough for you, he is not. Raising his confidence doesn’t change who he is. Remember, he knows his own thoughts, intentions, and his character so if he doesn’t believe in himself, rather than jumping into help meet mode to support him, you should….believe him. Even worse, if you ask his best friends for the truth and they can’t even lie to you, then if you choose to continue dating him, don’t allow emotions to get involved, it will not last.
When you have found a good man with a good reputation, people will say nice things about him. The last guy that I dated just happened to be someone that had friends that knew me. I did not do this on purpose trust me. But they all told him things like how did you get her? Well, she’s a good girl, don’t mess this up. Funny thing is, that was a warning for me!
So what does Ressurrection want? Of course I can give you the superficial answers like he should look like Lamman Rucker or Morris Chestnut, and have swag like Michael Jordan and Denzel Washington. Have you ever seen the walk on Michael Jordan and Denzel Washington? Lord ha mercy. I would like his toes not to look chewed up or his hands to be filthy.
But when I did some soul-searching and looked at my list again here is the honest to god truth, I want a man who will take care of me. I look back at my teenage dating experiences, and I have always been treated with respect, even my boyfriends’ friends looked out for me by association. If I went on a date and my girls wanted to go, by man would take care of all the ladies as a gesture of kindness. And that is just my truth. I think that it is manly to love a woman by protecting her and being a giver. Likewise I am a giver.
I have found that men are so focused on their own selfish needs that they don’t open the door anymore. I have dated the thug and the nerd and they both open the car door for me. I believe in love, and I believe it is an action word; a spiritual experience. Love is God, and God is love and fear cannot co-exist. On that principle alone, there are millions of men that are not open-hearted enough to date me. I have been told that I am deep or insightful. I am channeled, and I know what I want.
On my list, to sum up all the things that are important to me I would have to have a man that knows what love is, and desires it wholeheartedly, and knows when it’s staring him in the face. I would have to have a man who is unselfish, and comfortable in his skin. I don’t want a man that parties all night in the clubs, or who has a daughter. It is my personal belief that any man that I am really attracted to would be an amazing father to his children, and therefore not have or make time for me. Additionally, having a daughter is hard because she often has daddy around her finger, and also openly displays her disdain with you to the father. Sometimes it can be a competition of female energy and I am not interested in having to deal with this.
Keeping up with the Kardashians and Lamar Odom
I don’t know how this happened but I became fascinated by the show with Keeping up with the Kardashians. I love Khloe, Lamar Odom’s wife. As the re-runs were airing I had a chance to see how Khloe and Lamar got married. I had an opportunity to see him. I loved that he was not afraid to cry, and that he was so connected to his emotions. It did not make him a punk, it made him whole. He is comfortable in his skin, he is aware of his feelings, and he handled himself well. I love the way he loves her. For many who do not believe that you can meet someone and fall in love, I believe. I have no proof I haven’t done it, I am not married, but Lamar and Khloe did! She mentioned that he turns over and says I love you in his sleep. That is love and it is beautiful.
Finally I want to try to describe the kind of love that I want. When I was younger, and fell in love for what I credit as the first time it was an inseparable bond. We were joined at the hip, we explored each other physically (amazing), we didn’t care what anyone said about us and we could not wait for the opportunity to tell the world that we were in love. I feel like I am not doing this any justice. It was an irresponsible unexplainable high that heroine or sniffing paint would never compare to. It was euphoric, and to some degree we were selfish in that, spending our time with each other were priority over everything. We went to school together, and we defended each other. It was beautiful to know that another person could care for me that much.
We are adults now, and we have to work and carry on our individual lives but I want that ecstasy experience. For Christians you do know what I mean because you have been to that place with God where all you want to do is spend time in his presence. You may worship God with singing, dancing, or maybe you just want to study him to get to know him better. Think about what it would be like to date God, but in a man…that is what I want.
He is not to replace God but when we know the love of God, and have a clarity about the way in which he loves us, treating the person that we love the way that God would is easier to do after all, love is an action word. I also know that there are humanistic realities to which I must remember, about his clothing being in the floor or not washing the dishes. Maybe he needs to be good with money or some other thing that is important. I would like him to be interested in business. He doesn’t have to be a big business mogul but I would like for us to share business and entrepreneurship in common because it is so much of my life.
I just believe that if we get back to love, true love then the practical things will be more desirable because you want your mate to be happy. Maybe the world I live in, where love is this indescribable experience doesn’t exist anymore and I will grow old with these desires, but I have to believe that there is at least one other person on this planet within my age range that happens to be 6’0-6’5 200-250lbs preferably look like Lamman Rucker, or Morris Chestnut, who feels the same way about love, who desires the same things and brings his strengths to the relationship. Conversely, if he has a different physical appearance but the love making is out of this world, I will be just fine. I would rather have heaven in my bedroom than to have someone that looks like heaven but can take me there in the bedroom. It is definitely important to me to find compatibility in all areas.
As for Lamar, I love that he knew what he wanted and he was not afraid. In a separate episode, the father Bruce let the family go to NY and he stayed home. He was considered the party pooper. He saw that this really bothered his wife Kris. I thought that he should have hopped on a plane and surprised his wife, but I respected that he gave her something new to come home to. He stayed true to himself as a man, but he realized how important it was that he, do something to keep his wife’s attention. He cut his hair and added diamond earrings. She loved it! And quite frankly, even I think this 60 year old man looks sexy. Get it Bruce!
I want love, in a way that I have never had it before. I want to meet someone who is genuine, kind, loving, and giving who cares about my day, my thoughts and who becomes a true friend. I want someone who cannot live without me, and someone that I cannot leave. I want a man with an edge, refer to McLyte’s Ruffneck, and someone hopelessly romantic like Jada Pinkett’s beau in the move Set it off. As much as I want a man in Timberland’s or Nike Boots, and a three piece tuxedo in a business environment, I want to be free to be the same. I want something that I have never had before. I want to travel with my man to great national parks, maybe even climb a mountain. I want the full experience of a dating relationship. I don’t want to be duped for dinner and a movie, or backyard B-B-Q’s alone. Likewise, I am a TLC, Hat to the back kinda girl http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eo-TrSQ7QZc&feature=related you just might find me in nike boots one day, and I'd like to be with someone who finds my baggy jeans and nike boots sexy.
And I love family. Since I am not close to mine, it would be an honor to find a man with a large family who have positive relationships with each other. I want to look forward to holiday gatherings, and spur of the moment dinners. I think that is why I am drawn to watch the Kardashians. I have never been out with my sisters, never. Not even once. We have never all went out to anything together, not a movie or anything else.
Maybe I do need a man who is financially established, but the money won’t win me over, his heart will. Look at your list, are you really dating someone that is the person that you would desire to spend your life with? I’m not asking if he’s the one, I’m asking if you are even in the dating ball park. I’m not. Just as I have decided for my business that I need a change, so does my love life.
So, I am praying that I send and receive the right energy so that I get men of character, distinction who are responsible, single, faithful, seeking friendship and true love. At least, I should have some choices, and we’ll see what happens. Honestly, I hope that it happens like Khloe. This is something I have always wanted. I don’t need three years to figure out if you’re good for me. I know in the beginning, and whether I continue the relationship beyond knowing that you are not, is a whole other conversation. I hope that when the one comes, I just know and we just flow, and that we act unafraid and live in the liberty of love. The world tells you that you have to become friends, or do it a certain way, but GOD said that it was good for man not to be alone, and Adam went to sleep and then arrived Eve. Not to simplify this example but your spirit will speak, and I would like to find someone who knows that I was made to love him.
Stay tuned…
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Mark Madoff, son of Bernie Madoff
We as young people are quick to proclaim our independence from our parents, and even the demands or responsibilities of our family name. In today's society we are so disconnected from the idea that we must represent our families well. We are so individualistic that we do not take into proper consideration how our actions affect our bloodline.
Well, in an interesting turn of events Bernie Madoff who is currently serving 150 years in prison for more than two decades of cheating people out of their money is now going to have pay for the way that he has treated people in another way. His son has committed suicide. The pressure of his father's bad name was too much to bear.
Check out Yahoo's article for the full scoop.
Here is the article: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_madoff_son
We don't know whether the sons were involved but we know by common sense that they benefited in some way. I am sure that they received a birthday or Christmas gift in the last two decades.
He left behind four children. That is four children that have no father, and a wife to raise his two youngest children. No matter how pressured we are, we have to remember that we have something, and someone to live for. The impact on the people that love Mark Madoff is tremendous I am certain.
This is my challenge to you, to remember that we as family are connected. When you act a certain way in public, people think of who you are connected to, and not you as the independent person.
Always do your best to stay true to yourself, and to represent your family well. Bernie Madoff clearly did not do this and his losses are abundant. To be honest, I thought it would be his wife because of the direct pressure and the pain of losing her husband. Either way, let's remember our families today, and that whether we want to be apart of the bloodline or not, we are. There is power in connection. There is truth in the statement "Make us proud."
Well, in an interesting turn of events Bernie Madoff who is currently serving 150 years in prison for more than two decades of cheating people out of their money is now going to have pay for the way that he has treated people in another way. His son has committed suicide. The pressure of his father's bad name was too much to bear.
Check out Yahoo's article for the full scoop.
Here is the article: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/us_madoff_son
We don't know whether the sons were involved but we know by common sense that they benefited in some way. I am sure that they received a birthday or Christmas gift in the last two decades.
He left behind four children. That is four children that have no father, and a wife to raise his two youngest children. No matter how pressured we are, we have to remember that we have something, and someone to live for. The impact on the people that love Mark Madoff is tremendous I am certain.
This is my challenge to you, to remember that we as family are connected. When you act a certain way in public, people think of who you are connected to, and not you as the independent person.
Always do your best to stay true to yourself, and to represent your family well. Bernie Madoff clearly did not do this and his losses are abundant. To be honest, I thought it would be his wife because of the direct pressure and the pain of losing her husband. Either way, let's remember our families today, and that whether we want to be apart of the bloodline or not, we are. There is power in connection. There is truth in the statement "Make us proud."
Christmas Eve with my Sister?
Learning to love someone who does not love you is probably the greatest challenge that we have in this life. In the bible it says that everything hangs on love. I live by the reality that God is love and love is a supernatural experience, it is something that we choose, and it is does not exist in fear. Love is a gift and is true freedom. Love is an action word and as far I’m concerned you don’t love me if you don’t act like it.
One would imagine that loving my family is an easy task. They are my family, however, the youngest of 5 with siblings who are 12-16 years older than I, I feel ostracized and disconnected from the idea that I am even part of a family.
My sister saw my daughter and me talking the other day in the parking lot behind her house and she waved. Out of respect, I waved back. She came to the car and expressed her disappointment (with a smile) that we did not attend her wedding. She showed me her diamond ring, and I complimented her husband saying “Good Job”. I am actually very proud of her and I am glad that she married him. But if I were to attend the wedding, I would condone the family issues that still preside over us. Looking away and ignoring the obvious is not going to solve the problem.
My sister’s pattern for dealing with issues are to, have an issue, either be mean or silent, hold her silence for as long as she wants, and then when she feels better, we should all feel better and pretend that nothing happened. My entire family does this. I am the only one that does not. It is controlling and manipulative and as a communicator, and a person desiring to have positive healthy relationships, we need to have a conversation about what happened and then pitch it.
When I do confront my sister about things, she doesn’t admit her issue. My sister after sharing her ring with me and disappointment about the wedding invited me to her house to celebrate Christmas Eve. This is a little weird since I can’t sleep on her couch and I’m homeless.
One would imagine that loving my family is an easy task. They are my family, however, the youngest of 5 with siblings who are 12-16 years older than I, I feel ostracized and disconnected from the idea that I am even part of a family.
My sister saw my daughter and me talking the other day in the parking lot behind her house and she waved. Out of respect, I waved back. She came to the car and expressed her disappointment (with a smile) that we did not attend her wedding. She showed me her diamond ring, and I complimented her husband saying “Good Job”. I am actually very proud of her and I am glad that she married him. But if I were to attend the wedding, I would condone the family issues that still preside over us. Looking away and ignoring the obvious is not going to solve the problem.
My sister’s pattern for dealing with issues are to, have an issue, either be mean or silent, hold her silence for as long as she wants, and then when she feels better, we should all feel better and pretend that nothing happened. My entire family does this. I am the only one that does not. It is controlling and manipulative and as a communicator, and a person desiring to have positive healthy relationships, we need to have a conversation about what happened and then pitch it.
When I do confront my sister about things, she doesn’t admit her issue. My sister after sharing her ring with me and disappointment about the wedding invited me to her house to celebrate Christmas Eve. This is a little weird since I can’t sleep on her couch and I’m homeless.
Friday, December 10, 2010
A Journey to Loving my Family
A Journey to Loving my Family
The more that I have to come up with a marketing plan for the distribution of my book, the less that I have the liberty to be the artist. Now, my book of memoir that is very personal and therapeutic to me has become a product to dissect.
In the book, I detail different periods of my life until now. I talk about a variety of topics that could be used for marketing purposes. I know that whatever direction I choose, I will have to stay focused on that lane. So what is this book really about? My author answer is, me. The book is a memoir of my life, it is essentially my story. However, when I go deeper and think about the constant themes of the book, I knew immediately that it was not a Christian book, and while the church wants me to “represent”, it’s not meant to relate to people who are at a certain level of spirituality in the church. It is a book, where I am so it is intended to meet people where they are in their journey to love. I added the journey to love because I believe that we are all journeying to identify ourselves closer to God.
The more that I process my purpose and the human thread within the book, I realize that I am right back at the beginning when I was writing to teach my daughter’s generation not to conform to our personal history by sharing my own. Our family dysfunction is the source and inspiration of my writing, in hopes of helping other families to heal by being open about the dimensions of my own poor family relationships. In truth, I believe that I am most useful by sharing what is really inside, my hope to heal families.
My blog will talk about sisters and brothers, mothers and daughters, fathers and headship, friendship and love. Relationships are the central theme here and hopefully whether you are categorized in your family as the strong, or weak, black sheep or prized gift, you can teach your family who you are so that they can change how they relate to you. You are who you say you are, and not who others compel you to be. Families can bring out a part of you that is compromised, and I hope to convey protection, leadership and responsibility on the part of families who know the intricate details of our existence. What families know about should be what keeps us together, not what tears us apart.
I hope you join me on this journey. It will get personal, and I will always be real offering solutions for families to overcome years of miscommunication.
At your service,
Ressurrection Graves
The more that I have to come up with a marketing plan for the distribution of my book, the less that I have the liberty to be the artist. Now, my book of memoir that is very personal and therapeutic to me has become a product to dissect.
In the book, I detail different periods of my life until now. I talk about a variety of topics that could be used for marketing purposes. I know that whatever direction I choose, I will have to stay focused on that lane. So what is this book really about? My author answer is, me. The book is a memoir of my life, it is essentially my story. However, when I go deeper and think about the constant themes of the book, I knew immediately that it was not a Christian book, and while the church wants me to “represent”, it’s not meant to relate to people who are at a certain level of spirituality in the church. It is a book, where I am so it is intended to meet people where they are in their journey to love. I added the journey to love because I believe that we are all journeying to identify ourselves closer to God.
The more that I process my purpose and the human thread within the book, I realize that I am right back at the beginning when I was writing to teach my daughter’s generation not to conform to our personal history by sharing my own. Our family dysfunction is the source and inspiration of my writing, in hopes of helping other families to heal by being open about the dimensions of my own poor family relationships. In truth, I believe that I am most useful by sharing what is really inside, my hope to heal families.
My blog will talk about sisters and brothers, mothers and daughters, fathers and headship, friendship and love. Relationships are the central theme here and hopefully whether you are categorized in your family as the strong, or weak, black sheep or prized gift, you can teach your family who you are so that they can change how they relate to you. You are who you say you are, and not who others compel you to be. Families can bring out a part of you that is compromised, and I hope to convey protection, leadership and responsibility on the part of families who know the intricate details of our existence. What families know about should be what keeps us together, not what tears us apart.
I hope you join me on this journey. It will get personal, and I will always be real offering solutions for families to overcome years of miscommunication.
At your service,
Ressurrection Graves
Thursday, December 9, 2010
What about your friends?
I was trying to figure out what I wanted to talk about today. Earlier this morning I was crying the blues inside because I had that nagging "I miss..." feeling. I was trying to find something else to concentrate on but it was ever-present like hunger.
As the day went on, I was reminded of the Barbara Walters interview with Oprah Winfrey. Oprah began to weep when she thought about her and Gail's friendship. The way that she described Gail was amazing to me. "The friend that everyone should have," she repeats.
When I think about friendships and how they develop, I am reminded about the time that it takes to learn a person's heart. Often in love we do think that it should come quickly or that you will just "know" however, I am challenging myself today to think about the reality of meeting someone that you "know" is the one and still cultivating an intimate friendship.
With relationships, pressures for sex, and commitment often cause anxiety. For adults with children, I believe that bringing a child into your relationship before you have had the time to court and to grow, can add pressure for commitment to ensue. In fact, I believe that if we strip ourselves of the pressures, we would entertain a lot less relationships, at least for any significant amount of time.
With Oprah, I resonated with her tears because it has always been a desire of my heart to have a true friend who, regardless of my angels or my demons would be ready to celebrate or cry with me; cast down something bad and rejoice in something positive concerning my life.
Well ladies and gentlemen, I realize now that I have indeed found a few friends who could careless if I'm rich or poor, who believe in me, and see me on the inside. I believe that these few intimate friends would pray for me, tell me about myself, and still love me. They have seen me spiritually high and spiritually low.
Although we are all made differently and we respond to situations differently, when I faced a variety of crisis' these friends seem to remain and contribute with their hearts.
I am grateful to recognize my friends today who see the Ressurrection on Facebook, and the Ressurrection on their phone when things aren't perfect. Today I am grateful that over years of consistent communication and personal pitfalls and achievement I realize that they are still in my corner.
So, today I thank my friends, for being a demonstration of love. I may not have found my romantic love to last a lifetime yet but I am an advocate of connecting to the energy that you want to surround you. Over the last two years, I purged friendships that were selfish, unfaithful, and unloving, including some family members. And I trusted God that he would bring me close friends that I could stand with in any weather, and that my daughter could count on if I were not here.
I trusted that he would send me a few friends that I could have decades of pictures and memories with who were faithful, and strong and loving, that I could be the same kind of friend to.
The remnant of the last two years' destruction is certainly beautiful. Maybe everything was torn down so that I could see what would still stand.
Thank you God for bringing me friends that love me like you do!
If you have a friend that you are reminded of because of this article, send it to them with a special note and let them know how grateful you are that they have chosen you to love!
Peace,
Ressurrection
www.ressurrectiongraves.blogspot.com
www.facebook.com/ressurrectiongraves
As the day went on, I was reminded of the Barbara Walters interview with Oprah Winfrey. Oprah began to weep when she thought about her and Gail's friendship. The way that she described Gail was amazing to me. "The friend that everyone should have," she repeats.
When I think about friendships and how they develop, I am reminded about the time that it takes to learn a person's heart. Often in love we do think that it should come quickly or that you will just "know" however, I am challenging myself today to think about the reality of meeting someone that you "know" is the one and still cultivating an intimate friendship.
With relationships, pressures for sex, and commitment often cause anxiety. For adults with children, I believe that bringing a child into your relationship before you have had the time to court and to grow, can add pressure for commitment to ensue. In fact, I believe that if we strip ourselves of the pressures, we would entertain a lot less relationships, at least for any significant amount of time.
With Oprah, I resonated with her tears because it has always been a desire of my heart to have a true friend who, regardless of my angels or my demons would be ready to celebrate or cry with me; cast down something bad and rejoice in something positive concerning my life.
Well ladies and gentlemen, I realize now that I have indeed found a few friends who could careless if I'm rich or poor, who believe in me, and see me on the inside. I believe that these few intimate friends would pray for me, tell me about myself, and still love me. They have seen me spiritually high and spiritually low.
Although we are all made differently and we respond to situations differently, when I faced a variety of crisis' these friends seem to remain and contribute with their hearts.
I am grateful to recognize my friends today who see the Ressurrection on Facebook, and the Ressurrection on their phone when things aren't perfect. Today I am grateful that over years of consistent communication and personal pitfalls and achievement I realize that they are still in my corner.
So, today I thank my friends, for being a demonstration of love. I may not have found my romantic love to last a lifetime yet but I am an advocate of connecting to the energy that you want to surround you. Over the last two years, I purged friendships that were selfish, unfaithful, and unloving, including some family members. And I trusted God that he would bring me close friends that I could stand with in any weather, and that my daughter could count on if I were not here.
I trusted that he would send me a few friends that I could have decades of pictures and memories with who were faithful, and strong and loving, that I could be the same kind of friend to.
The remnant of the last two years' destruction is certainly beautiful. Maybe everything was torn down so that I could see what would still stand.
Thank you God for bringing me friends that love me like you do!
If you have a friend that you are reminded of because of this article, send it to them with a special note and let them know how grateful you are that they have chosen you to love!
Peace,
Ressurrection
www.ressurrectiongraves.blogspot.com
www.facebook.com/ressurrectiongraves
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Suicidal Thoughts - Is it in the church?
I had a conversation with a friend the other day who shared that they had planned to commit suicide. They were going to buy a house, leave it in the kids names' etc...Suicide is the second leading cause of death among people between the ages of 14 and 25 in the United States... We are over 25 clearly ...but in this recession people have been jumping off of bridges and exiting in different ways. Sometimes the media makes a spectacle of something that can be very serious. If I was your friend, having suicidal thoughts tell me why I should stay above ground.
*I know this is a taboo topic. Your judgment is not necessary but your wisdom and compassion are welcome. You may save a life today! :)
As a person who has never attempted to commit suicide HOWEVER, have had a recent thought, I understand that it is easy to become so pressured, consumed and overtaken by your circumstances that you do not see a way out. Suicide offers no real solution other than to quit. It is a selfish act. Some people are in battle with the idea of commiting suicide because they do not understand why they are here, and they do not feel that they will leave an impact.
How amazing is God, to require us to be related to others. We all have relationship with someone whether faint or intimate. Someone will care if you die.
I have a friend who lost her mother,brother, and uncle within the same year. She lost her grandmother at 18. Those four people represented her closest family. Her father was remarried and they have an estranged relationship that is in recent years becoming closer.
This woman is a prime example of someone who feels seperated or disconnected, and she has not found her reason for existing. For Christians, the answers are easy. God is a healer...throw some oil, and be healed.
I can say clearly that if it wasn't for God I wouldn't be here. It is only God who, through all that I have been through have kept me, protected me, and allowed me to keep my sanity.
But who are they, Christians included, who suffer silently depressed, bored, unsettled. This is not a marketing angle for "STOP SUICIDE" because of teenage bullying or homosexuality being unaccepted in a certain environment.
I want to know about the people who LOVE GOD, and still don't get it. The bible says that we should live in abundance, and not have lack. Are we reading this to feel good or to experience it. Without your philosophy, and your judgment, I am asking you to give LIFE a voice today.
I believe that there are alot of people who are walking around medicating themselves with sex, drugs, and alcohol. In this instance, you may not be happy but you've figured out a way to be consenting about it. You may not want to end your life but you do a little something on the side to take the edge off of what you feel you cannot handle.
Each person in life has some area needing healing, deliverance and change. We all need to be purified, cleansed and redeemed. Thank God that we are! What happens when for the person sitting at home, a medicated reality is not what they are looking for? Maybe what they really want is manifestation of the solution to their problem.
At some point, the faith rallies at church get drowned out. Being down and feeling beat down is a dangerous place to be in, so how to we come out?
I ask people all of the time what they believe and whether they are in the middle of smoking drugs, cussing someone out or praying they say Christian. So, I am not going to settle for saying "Christian" here. But there is a deep place in God that we can go to, that has to be a personal experience, and often when we are far from that relationship is when we feel emptiest. In my book, Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love I talk about the testimony that a church member gave about being at the railroad tracks waiting for the train, with her car sitting on the tracks. My pastor answered the question, "How do we get to that place?" He said, "We get to that place because we are empty."
In order to feel like there is no life left in you, you would have to be empty in a spiritual capacity. For those who are not christians and may not understand what I mean when I talk about an intimate relationship with God, I want you to imagine the most amazing moment in your life, and that is nothing on God.
But on days when it has been months, even years, without any change, and you have been in faith, and working at whatever seems to remain unchanged; I can understand how you can feel like death.
Sometimes you need a physical change in location. Sometimes it may be the relationships around you. It is ever important to possess compassion for those around you because you never know what they are going through. Offer your love. Love covers a multitude of sin, and it abounds. Love is the very thing that EVERYTHING in life hangs on and I believe that if we get back to love, crawling with the same desperation that the woman with issue of blood did when she was trying to get the crowd to touch the hem of his garment, we can save lives.
Love is selfless, and it finds a way.
This is not the first of the last recession. If someone around you has died, they won't be the last. There are situations that happen that we never thought would and crisis' that we did not think we could bear. However, when you are faced with such turning points, remember that you make the call. Just as God asked us to choose him, he allows us to choose the life we will live. We also choose life, and we choose death. With so many options, even in pain, I encourage you to be empowered to make a choice that will give you a freedom that you are sure to experience. We talk about the other side, but you don't really know what's on it, until you're there.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, and fearful of being condemed, I encourage you to talk to someone, with confidence. Friends sharpen us, and even when we don't know something, because true friends know us, they can offer an perspective, work on your behalf in spirit or in life, to help.
Rebuke the thoughts and even if you don't know what to pray, mutter something. If you can't talk to anyone, you can always talk to the one that made you.
Bless u,
Res
*I know this is a taboo topic. Your judgment is not necessary but your wisdom and compassion are welcome. You may save a life today! :)
As a person who has never attempted to commit suicide HOWEVER, have had a recent thought, I understand that it is easy to become so pressured, consumed and overtaken by your circumstances that you do not see a way out. Suicide offers no real solution other than to quit. It is a selfish act. Some people are in battle with the idea of commiting suicide because they do not understand why they are here, and they do not feel that they will leave an impact.
How amazing is God, to require us to be related to others. We all have relationship with someone whether faint or intimate. Someone will care if you die.
I have a friend who lost her mother,brother, and uncle within the same year. She lost her grandmother at 18. Those four people represented her closest family. Her father was remarried and they have an estranged relationship that is in recent years becoming closer.
This woman is a prime example of someone who feels seperated or disconnected, and she has not found her reason for existing. For Christians, the answers are easy. God is a healer...throw some oil, and be healed.
I can say clearly that if it wasn't for God I wouldn't be here. It is only God who, through all that I have been through have kept me, protected me, and allowed me to keep my sanity.
But who are they, Christians included, who suffer silently depressed, bored, unsettled. This is not a marketing angle for "STOP SUICIDE" because of teenage bullying or homosexuality being unaccepted in a certain environment.
I want to know about the people who LOVE GOD, and still don't get it. The bible says that we should live in abundance, and not have lack. Are we reading this to feel good or to experience it. Without your philosophy, and your judgment, I am asking you to give LIFE a voice today.
I believe that there are alot of people who are walking around medicating themselves with sex, drugs, and alcohol. In this instance, you may not be happy but you've figured out a way to be consenting about it. You may not want to end your life but you do a little something on the side to take the edge off of what you feel you cannot handle.
Each person in life has some area needing healing, deliverance and change. We all need to be purified, cleansed and redeemed. Thank God that we are! What happens when for the person sitting at home, a medicated reality is not what they are looking for? Maybe what they really want is manifestation of the solution to their problem.
At some point, the faith rallies at church get drowned out. Being down and feeling beat down is a dangerous place to be in, so how to we come out?
I ask people all of the time what they believe and whether they are in the middle of smoking drugs, cussing someone out or praying they say Christian. So, I am not going to settle for saying "Christian" here. But there is a deep place in God that we can go to, that has to be a personal experience, and often when we are far from that relationship is when we feel emptiest. In my book, Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love I talk about the testimony that a church member gave about being at the railroad tracks waiting for the train, with her car sitting on the tracks. My pastor answered the question, "How do we get to that place?" He said, "We get to that place because we are empty."
In order to feel like there is no life left in you, you would have to be empty in a spiritual capacity. For those who are not christians and may not understand what I mean when I talk about an intimate relationship with God, I want you to imagine the most amazing moment in your life, and that is nothing on God.
But on days when it has been months, even years, without any change, and you have been in faith, and working at whatever seems to remain unchanged; I can understand how you can feel like death.
Sometimes you need a physical change in location. Sometimes it may be the relationships around you. It is ever important to possess compassion for those around you because you never know what they are going through. Offer your love. Love covers a multitude of sin, and it abounds. Love is the very thing that EVERYTHING in life hangs on and I believe that if we get back to love, crawling with the same desperation that the woman with issue of blood did when she was trying to get the crowd to touch the hem of his garment, we can save lives.
Love is selfless, and it finds a way.
This is not the first of the last recession. If someone around you has died, they won't be the last. There are situations that happen that we never thought would and crisis' that we did not think we could bear. However, when you are faced with such turning points, remember that you make the call. Just as God asked us to choose him, he allows us to choose the life we will live. We also choose life, and we choose death. With so many options, even in pain, I encourage you to be empowered to make a choice that will give you a freedom that you are sure to experience. We talk about the other side, but you don't really know what's on it, until you're there.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, and fearful of being condemed, I encourage you to talk to someone, with confidence. Friends sharpen us, and even when we don't know something, because true friends know us, they can offer an perspective, work on your behalf in spirit or in life, to help.
Rebuke the thoughts and even if you don't know what to pray, mutter something. If you can't talk to anyone, you can always talk to the one that made you.
Bless u,
Res
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Your Journey...a word from Ressurrection
Have you felt like you have so much to say that you'd rather not say anything. Well, for the last few months, which have gone by so quickly, I have faced some challenges, and had some awesome revelations. My book entitled, "Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love" is ready. It has been a long wait, but it has been worth it. While I have been wanting to "end" the book with some perfect Victory, I am realizing wholeheartedly that the true message of this book is the ability to possess, and maintain a level of faith that will cause change. It seems as if this would be easy. We hear preachers quote scriptures from the pulpit, and often trials and tribulations are made less important by comparison of some related story from the news, a neighbor, or acquaintances. However, we are not all the same, and people develop differently in our emotions, clarity, and spirituality. We each have an amazing journey, and choosing to learn along the path is what determines how long you will be in your journey. The answers to your situation are not logical, and they are not universal. They are unique to you. I wish you abundance, wisdom and a special report from God today that he would restore your joy and give you what you need to breakthrough!
Love you
Ressurrection
Love you
Ressurrection
Thursday, October 21, 2010
4 things to think about when dating for casual or life partnership
We have learned that love is not the single requirement for two people who are choosing each other for matrimony. For many men, and women sex ranks high on the list because, well, let's face it, do you want to spend forever with someone that cannot physically please you. For a small number of people, this may not matter at all. But the gray area is all of the specific tastes in between. For many Christian people, they opt to trust God to provide them with a spiritually, and physically satisfying sexual relationship with their spouse.
With the divorce rate at 50% and rising, we have as a society come to understand that we need to do something different. There are people re-entering the marital relationship for a second time or more, and I believe that we genuinely want to get it "right".
We understand that we should marry character. In Christian relationships the person's character may resemble Galatians 5:22-23. So, what happens when you fall in love, and you really don't know how to have a relationship?
This article is for the person that may be transitioning from a single mindset and desiring to have a mature relationship that leads to life partnership.
When I began looking for a husband and I do use that term loosely so that I do not get hate, and religious mail, I started preparing myself, by cultivating my relationship with God and understanding the dynamics of how relationships work. We have to relate to each other, forever. I went to school, literally. By attending marriage conferences, watching Marriage Today with Jimmy and Karen, reading books and other things, I understood that I would have to develop certain areas of my life in order to be the best wife that I could be. But often, men, black men in particular since I understand their culture closely have not been taught to learn how to be a husband and life partner in many instances.
Here are just a few practical things to get you thinking about what is most important to you in choosing a partner.
1) LOVE- It is a spiritual thing. Love is not to be taken lightly and often must be handled in the spiritual realm. Love is such a spiritual experience, it covers your sin, it unveils your authenticity, and it is the element in the world that confirms that God exists. Love is who we are, and what we do. Love is an action word, and your actions can not be generic. As you love someone you begin to sculpt your love into this beautiful one of a kind piece of art that is so valuable it cannot be compared. It's less about the person's capacity to love you, or potential, and more about whether they do and if they will too.
For example, I've seen women's bodies change; they gain and lose as much as 100 pounds. Your love cannot fluctuate with her look. Just as if you had health issues, or weight concerns you would want her to love you beyond your gout, or obesity, and what her eyes can see; only love will perform past emotional feelings.
Someone who loves you and themselves will see your qwerky imperfections as confirmations of your distinction and not something to fix.
2) Parenting- this is a particularly special topic to me. Parenting is something that means a lot to me. Some people get married, have children and put the children as more important than the marriage relationship. Just remember, the children leave. Discuss how you two feel about balancing the family dynamics. He is an equal partner. In some societies, the father walks the children to school in the morning and that is the order of the household. Whatever your distinctions are, it’s important to know if you will be up with the babies at 4am or if he will share the responsibility.
Is he in for the long haul? What if you have twins or triplets? Even if you want to get pregnant, unless you have a discussion about desiring more than one child, the shock of many children at once may throw you both for an unexpected journey. What if the child has special needs? We don’t want to have this conversation but if you don’t you could face significant problems in the future of your relationships. I really believe that your beliefs about parenting styles including, discipline, music, care, and teaching should be discussed. It is very difficult to be madly in love with someone until children come along and conflicts abound.
This list is neither exhaustive nor conclusive, but it will help you to think about some important areas that may become non-negotiable on your relationship building list.
3) Identifying your Quadrant- Every relationship should have a discussion based on reading the book, “The Cashflow Quadrant” by Robert Kiyosaki. The book is not only about how much money you want to make, or how simple you want to live, reading this book helps you to personally identify what type of lifestyle you desire and will make clear to you, your risk level.
When two people have different risk levels, and comfort zones, it could either balance the relationship or hold one person back from pursuing their purpose. Finding out a person’s skills, talents and capabilities are necessary in any category, however, discussing your life style format will help you determine if the person is wanting to own their own business because they are passionate and it wakes them up in the morning, if they are just seeking riches and the root of their persistence is greed of status and recognition, or if they really have the ability to take what they love and create a business that will change the economy in some way.
Assessing whether the person’s risky behavior is used with discipline and wisdom is also key in determining whether you trust their decision making skills and honestly deciding whether you can support their causes.
In the Cashflow Quadrant, Robert Kiyosaki identifies four areas of career choices and risk level in business. Are you an Employee, a Self-Employed person, a business owner or an investor? Some people are more than one in their lifetime and some people are more than one at the same time. While this is a business book, the idea for your relationship is to discuss what quadrants you fit into and create a vision or timeline of what life looks like to you. Although we can not plan each moment, identifying what your ideas, goals, and purpose is will help you as a couple assess your compatibility.
A few more questions on this topic before we move on; how important to you is it that the wife works? Can she stay home after the children? This is not just important for income, but for intellectual stimuli. As many men who are educated professionals and meet with professional women in their academic or professional environment, they are desiring a woman with their own knowledge, judgments, thoughts, criticism, and education in certain areas of life.
In business, career path, parenting and your life partnership, you must disclose equally your ideas about each other’s day to day to see if there are potential conflicts. This may be ironed out but, what if she wants you to work a steady 9-5 until you are in the grave? Or, vice versus? What if you want to write your business plan and be the next Ray Kroc (Creator of the McDonald’s Franchise)?
4) Time- I admit it, I’m spoiled. In my relationships I’m used to my man going to hang out with his boys only to miss me at some point and come home (to me). I am used to being the person he tells his day to, and shares his funny or weird stories with. I know the tone of his voice before he speaks and his mood based on how many milliseconds he offers hesitation before he communicates with me. We do everything together, family cookouts, friend’s birthday parties, and game days. We are usually together whether we’re alone or in a group if work or other professional priorities are not involved. It’s fun and it’s how you really get to know each other.
In my last relationship there were tell-tale signs that were clearly red flags that I ignored. For example, I have heard people say that if you want to know if you are compatible with someone just take a road trip with them. If you argue the whole time, you are not compatible. My ex-Fiancé’ and I took a road trip from DC to Philly for a business conference within the first month of us dating. I have excellent directional sense, and for some reason we were lost in west jablip. We argued the entire time. It was horrible for me. I wanted to leave him there. He was immature, couldn’t focus, and I spent the whole time trying to get him excited. It was a weight and a burden, which proved to be the case in our entire relationship that I allowed to happen for years. He is the most selfish person that I have ever met in my entire life, and that one trip could have saved me a broken heart, some assets, my mind and some other things for that matter.
In my current situation, there is a man who desires to make me his “lady” but he does not call me, plan activities or spend quality time for me. If you are familiar with the Five Love Languages there is a test that you take to determine how you need to be loved. Well, tying for number one for me is quality time and physical touch. There should be no surprise there with me being a massage therapist and all. So, when I met this gentlemen and he and I both determined that we were looking for a long term relationship, life partner (without using the words marriage, or mate), I was under the impression that he understood what it took to be in a relationship. His actions are contrary to what he states that his heart feels for me. But, ladies and gentlemen that is not going to work. This is an incredible red flag for me. See, in my last relationship, I compromised my mushy romantic self because the person that I was in a relationship with was emotionally absent, which made the relationship progressively emotionally abusive.
In order to guard my heart and to make sure that I do not allow myself to engage in relationships that compromise my non-negotiables I have decided to keep dating until he has shown me that he is “ALL IN”. He has been open about his lack of communication skills, and open about his desires to spend more time and to create a healthy relationship with me, however, time will tell and believe me, I’m paying attention.
How much time does he really want to spend with you? Is it too much or too little? Does he feel smothered? Is this just his personality? What about her? Is she too busy for you, with her career? Are you or your partner so attached to your family that you are not taking the time necessary to allow someone else in? And, is time a non-negotiable item for you? Ladies and Gentlemen like money matters, it’s hard to be honest about time. You do not want to be weird or be singled out; after all there are only two of you to discuss it. But you must be honest about your boundaries. I like doing things with my special someone but I know women who are emotionally displaced who do not feel it necessary to be around their man all of the time. I am the type of person that could work on projects with my man and could own a business or companies together, while some people would run from that situation, I see it as a strong, unbreakable union and bond; a force to be reckoned with.
Although you are not dating me, you will have to date someone to find your life partner and you must determine your comfort level with giving your time. To me, this should be something to discuss up front, and should be handled delicately. It is nothing wrong with your needs, but if the needs are vastly different it is possible that this person is not right for you.
In my opinion, these items should be discussed before you disclose bank accounts, and credit information. Find out what they believe first, it will save you some time and privacy.
Live, Love, and start locating your partner within.
Ressurrection Graves
October 21, 2010
With the divorce rate at 50% and rising, we have as a society come to understand that we need to do something different. There are people re-entering the marital relationship for a second time or more, and I believe that we genuinely want to get it "right".
We understand that we should marry character. In Christian relationships the person's character may resemble Galatians 5:22-23. So, what happens when you fall in love, and you really don't know how to have a relationship?
This article is for the person that may be transitioning from a single mindset and desiring to have a mature relationship that leads to life partnership.
When I began looking for a husband and I do use that term loosely so that I do not get hate, and religious mail, I started preparing myself, by cultivating my relationship with God and understanding the dynamics of how relationships work. We have to relate to each other, forever. I went to school, literally. By attending marriage conferences, watching Marriage Today with Jimmy and Karen, reading books and other things, I understood that I would have to develop certain areas of my life in order to be the best wife that I could be. But often, men, black men in particular since I understand their culture closely have not been taught to learn how to be a husband and life partner in many instances.
Here are just a few practical things to get you thinking about what is most important to you in choosing a partner.
1) LOVE- It is a spiritual thing. Love is not to be taken lightly and often must be handled in the spiritual realm. Love is such a spiritual experience, it covers your sin, it unveils your authenticity, and it is the element in the world that confirms that God exists. Love is who we are, and what we do. Love is an action word, and your actions can not be generic. As you love someone you begin to sculpt your love into this beautiful one of a kind piece of art that is so valuable it cannot be compared. It's less about the person's capacity to love you, or potential, and more about whether they do and if they will too.
For example, I've seen women's bodies change; they gain and lose as much as 100 pounds. Your love cannot fluctuate with her look. Just as if you had health issues, or weight concerns you would want her to love you beyond your gout, or obesity, and what her eyes can see; only love will perform past emotional feelings.
Someone who loves you and themselves will see your qwerky imperfections as confirmations of your distinction and not something to fix.
2) Parenting- this is a particularly special topic to me. Parenting is something that means a lot to me. Some people get married, have children and put the children as more important than the marriage relationship. Just remember, the children leave. Discuss how you two feel about balancing the family dynamics. He is an equal partner. In some societies, the father walks the children to school in the morning and that is the order of the household. Whatever your distinctions are, it’s important to know if you will be up with the babies at 4am or if he will share the responsibility.
Is he in for the long haul? What if you have twins or triplets? Even if you want to get pregnant, unless you have a discussion about desiring more than one child, the shock of many children at once may throw you both for an unexpected journey. What if the child has special needs? We don’t want to have this conversation but if you don’t you could face significant problems in the future of your relationships. I really believe that your beliefs about parenting styles including, discipline, music, care, and teaching should be discussed. It is very difficult to be madly in love with someone until children come along and conflicts abound.
This list is neither exhaustive nor conclusive, but it will help you to think about some important areas that may become non-negotiable on your relationship building list.
3) Identifying your Quadrant- Every relationship should have a discussion based on reading the book, “The Cashflow Quadrant” by Robert Kiyosaki. The book is not only about how much money you want to make, or how simple you want to live, reading this book helps you to personally identify what type of lifestyle you desire and will make clear to you, your risk level.
When two people have different risk levels, and comfort zones, it could either balance the relationship or hold one person back from pursuing their purpose. Finding out a person’s skills, talents and capabilities are necessary in any category, however, discussing your life style format will help you determine if the person is wanting to own their own business because they are passionate and it wakes them up in the morning, if they are just seeking riches and the root of their persistence is greed of status and recognition, or if they really have the ability to take what they love and create a business that will change the economy in some way.
Assessing whether the person’s risky behavior is used with discipline and wisdom is also key in determining whether you trust their decision making skills and honestly deciding whether you can support their causes.
In the Cashflow Quadrant, Robert Kiyosaki identifies four areas of career choices and risk level in business. Are you an Employee, a Self-Employed person, a business owner or an investor? Some people are more than one in their lifetime and some people are more than one at the same time. While this is a business book, the idea for your relationship is to discuss what quadrants you fit into and create a vision or timeline of what life looks like to you. Although we can not plan each moment, identifying what your ideas, goals, and purpose is will help you as a couple assess your compatibility.
A few more questions on this topic before we move on; how important to you is it that the wife works? Can she stay home after the children? This is not just important for income, but for intellectual stimuli. As many men who are educated professionals and meet with professional women in their academic or professional environment, they are desiring a woman with their own knowledge, judgments, thoughts, criticism, and education in certain areas of life.
In business, career path, parenting and your life partnership, you must disclose equally your ideas about each other’s day to day to see if there are potential conflicts. This may be ironed out but, what if she wants you to work a steady 9-5 until you are in the grave? Or, vice versus? What if you want to write your business plan and be the next Ray Kroc (Creator of the McDonald’s Franchise)?
4) Time- I admit it, I’m spoiled. In my relationships I’m used to my man going to hang out with his boys only to miss me at some point and come home (to me). I am used to being the person he tells his day to, and shares his funny or weird stories with. I know the tone of his voice before he speaks and his mood based on how many milliseconds he offers hesitation before he communicates with me. We do everything together, family cookouts, friend’s birthday parties, and game days. We are usually together whether we’re alone or in a group if work or other professional priorities are not involved. It’s fun and it’s how you really get to know each other.
In my last relationship there were tell-tale signs that were clearly red flags that I ignored. For example, I have heard people say that if you want to know if you are compatible with someone just take a road trip with them. If you argue the whole time, you are not compatible. My ex-Fiancé’ and I took a road trip from DC to Philly for a business conference within the first month of us dating. I have excellent directional sense, and for some reason we were lost in west jablip. We argued the entire time. It was horrible for me. I wanted to leave him there. He was immature, couldn’t focus, and I spent the whole time trying to get him excited. It was a weight and a burden, which proved to be the case in our entire relationship that I allowed to happen for years. He is the most selfish person that I have ever met in my entire life, and that one trip could have saved me a broken heart, some assets, my mind and some other things for that matter.
In my current situation, there is a man who desires to make me his “lady” but he does not call me, plan activities or spend quality time for me. If you are familiar with the Five Love Languages there is a test that you take to determine how you need to be loved. Well, tying for number one for me is quality time and physical touch. There should be no surprise there with me being a massage therapist and all. So, when I met this gentlemen and he and I both determined that we were looking for a long term relationship, life partner (without using the words marriage, or mate), I was under the impression that he understood what it took to be in a relationship. His actions are contrary to what he states that his heart feels for me. But, ladies and gentlemen that is not going to work. This is an incredible red flag for me. See, in my last relationship, I compromised my mushy romantic self because the person that I was in a relationship with was emotionally absent, which made the relationship progressively emotionally abusive.
In order to guard my heart and to make sure that I do not allow myself to engage in relationships that compromise my non-negotiables I have decided to keep dating until he has shown me that he is “ALL IN”. He has been open about his lack of communication skills, and open about his desires to spend more time and to create a healthy relationship with me, however, time will tell and believe me, I’m paying attention.
How much time does he really want to spend with you? Is it too much or too little? Does he feel smothered? Is this just his personality? What about her? Is she too busy for you, with her career? Are you or your partner so attached to your family that you are not taking the time necessary to allow someone else in? And, is time a non-negotiable item for you? Ladies and Gentlemen like money matters, it’s hard to be honest about time. You do not want to be weird or be singled out; after all there are only two of you to discuss it. But you must be honest about your boundaries. I like doing things with my special someone but I know women who are emotionally displaced who do not feel it necessary to be around their man all of the time. I am the type of person that could work on projects with my man and could own a business or companies together, while some people would run from that situation, I see it as a strong, unbreakable union and bond; a force to be reckoned with.
Although you are not dating me, you will have to date someone to find your life partner and you must determine your comfort level with giving your time. To me, this should be something to discuss up front, and should be handled delicately. It is nothing wrong with your needs, but if the needs are vastly different it is possible that this person is not right for you.
In my opinion, these items should be discussed before you disclose bank accounts, and credit information. Find out what they believe first, it will save you some time and privacy.
Live, Love, and start locating your partner within.
Ressurrection Graves
October 21, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
10 Tips that prove he's not ready for a relationship
The original title of this blog was 10 tips to determine if he is a jerk. I thought that may be alittle harsh so, in the interest of starting some dialogue and disseminating information, I have settled on, 10 Tips that prove he's not ready for a relationship.
For years, women have tried and with much confusion and determination charged forth with the intent to change the heart and mind of a man, without really knowing what they are thinking. So I hope that this list, clarifies some things, and brings you into a reality.
1. He tells a little white lie early on. The last guy that I dated said he was from Alabama and he was a certain age, which was still younger than me. He was alot younger and 1,000 miles away from Alabama (though to me, he had an accent). Even small seemingly unimportant information is key is knowing a person's integrity, self-esteem and allegiance to you. If he lies about something small, what is he withholding? Men mature at a lesser rate than women, so for me to date a younger man, whether he told me the truth or not, his actions told me his age.
2. He tells you he will call and he doesn't. He says he's not a phone person. Any man, black, white or yellow loves the hunt and when he's interested he calls. Men lose interest easy and sometimes we want to keep their attention for longer than we can. It may have nothing to do with you. He could be good at getting the "bait", but unsuccessful at using human life skills to have a decent relationship. This could be age or maturity related.You will find that there are many men that can get a woman, but very few that can actually keep one.
His paralysis is not your problem. You won't get what you need from him. In this situation, the sex is usually good. After all, that's all he's got. It doesn't make him feel as good as you think it does. He's in an immature web of confusion bound by insecurity and lack of clarity. He does not want you you're too much for him. And, even though you want to take the sex with you, you can't, and if you are fortunate enough too, remember that it will come to an end. He doesn't really want you to separate him, the relationship and the sex. Don't believe the hype. If you are a good woman and he knows it, he may not be able to communicate to keep you, but he's not interested in necessarily losing you to someone else either. If he's selfish you act like a mindless puppet or he'll stop calling you.
3. He says, "I Love you", but you notice that he makes no effort to really get to know your heart. He doesn't ask questions and when you confide, he still doesn't ask questions. He may be a good listener but he's not engaged. I find this happens frequently in younger men because they may actually have feelings for you, however have not developed the skills to know what to do with those feelings yet. We all have to make choices. Do you want to sit around and figure out how to teach him to love you, or are you looking for a package? It also depends on the man, because if he is not teachable and does not desire to learn how to communicate and love you, you are again wasting your time. Men go through an evolution, a coming of age, and certain things that come naturally to us, men must learn in order to be emotionally accessible.
4. He makes promises. Men who really like you don't make promises, they do it. "We should do this...." or "I've been thinking in a few months..." Men who are into you buy the tickets, rent the location, make reservations, and make time for you. Just think about the men in your life. Your boss doesn’t promise to come into work the next day, he shows up. Your dad doesn’t have to promise to come home every night, if he comes home it is an automatic response to the end of his day. Men hate timelines, and making promises is usually just buying time in some way. For most men, if they are into, they will lead with actions and speak later. Some men are emotionally in touch, and that is heaven for a woman, but in this instance their words and actions will be aligned.
5. He can't see you. Men who are interested want all of their time with you. If they have family obligations they usually make some adjustment as they are getting to know you and your likes, dislikes, schedules, etc... This is self explanatory. If a man isn’t making time for you, it’s because you’re not a priority. It may hurt, but it’s real. Pay attention to this now because it will likely not change. For someone that is into you but doesn’t make you first priority will not make you a priority down the line either. They may feel more obligated to their family or friends, or even work. It doesn’t make it right but you have a choice in whether you want to play first, second or third.
6. He doesn't enter your world. You go to church but he won't meet you there Sunday morning. He always wants you in his space when it is convenient for him but he is never open to where you will be. Your plans are usually fit into his schedule exclusively. Be mindful of falling into this pattern, because it is easy to get comfortable there and find yourself later unhappy with this convenience for him. It is important that you are both flexible and that you are involved in each other’s activities if you have that kind of relationship. Personally, I love to hang out with my guy. I could care less where we go as long as we are together, but there is absolutely a necessity for romance, dates, moonlit nights etc… Be healthy. Remember to be involved in each other’s lives as well as make enough time for one on one rendevous outside of sex.
7. Dating- He also may be reluctant to date you and blame it on finances. If a woman likes you she is open to free concerts, museums, national parks, walks along the water etc... When two people like each other they could care less what they are doing as long as it is together. If he isn't stepping out of his comfort zone to meet you where you are at all, not only is he not the one, he's not that into you. If you’re comfortable with him making you dinner and being stuck in the house all of the time, get used to it. How you start is how you will finish. Make him get off of the couch. For Christians who are waiting until marriage, you should not be at his house…just don’t do it.
8. Selfless- Males are inherently selfish. Men who have made a life decision to be a better person of integrity and love who have a relationship with the Most High, grasp an understanding of selflessness. Being selfless in my opinion is not dealing with or tolerating a situation. Being selfless is an act of love and you consider the person’s feelings, circumstances, needs above your own. This position is not meant to make you feel inferior or to put you in an unwanted position. Being selfless in the true sense are actions that you commit without thinking about how they affect you. For example, if your lady needs a ride, or money or quality time, moving or lifting something. Women are help meets so we jump at the opportunity to make our man happy, sometimes before we should. The point here is that men are clearly selfish or selfless and you can tell a lot about a man’s heart and where he is in his walk with life if you can determine his ability to selfless instead of self seeking.
9. If you are woman who believes in being submitted, it is really important to ask yourself, is this person someone I can trust with my life. Can you trust him to speak into your life and to make decisions on behalf of you? We often save these questions for after marriage but the truth is, I don't believe it takes years to know somebody. In the past, mothers would tell there daughters not to sleep with someone that they wouldn’t feel they should have a baby with in hopes of discouraging them from choosing the wrong type of man. That makes so much sense, but very few people pay attention to these sentiments. Many people are not even sure of their non-negotiable because they compromise their list so much. But, really is the person that you are hoping, and waiting for by the phone a person that you trust? If you don’t know, chances are you should stop hoping and waiting by the phone until he has answered your question through his actions of course.
10. Friendship- Just watch how they treat you and others around them. Friendship is so important. Is he opening up to you, to create a friendship? Are you on the outside looking in? Are you afraid to call because he may not answer? See, I don't wonder or have insecurities about my friends. I will call them and if I really need them, call them again. If I don't get a call back, I will "stalk" my friends. We may get a good laugh about it but they will see the persistence as an act of love and not that I am crazy. This works both ways. I have friends that will track me down as well. I've had a few that have called my mother but I didn't take that as something to be angry or alarmed about because they are friends. A stranger however, calling my mother looking for me might make me angry and I may consider them crazy because there is no relationship that I feel supports their actions. Whether you're having sex or not, if you don't see any signs that he wants to be your friend, run. He will only mislead you.
Bonus Tip: What does true friendship mean to you? When you figure that out, you will often find that people who you thought loved you, actually don't. You may also find that you have discarded a few people that really had a heart for you. In this life, I've learned that we will experience triumph and tragedy. No matter where we are, you don't want the people in your space who are lukewarm. Those people are there when things are just alright. In other words, they may not be needed in the friendship to do anything but go to outings, laugh and possibly wipe your tears during small fires.
You want the ones who will call you because they notice your routine has changed. You used to call every Friday but now it's been 3 Fridays. You used to talk positive but now you're discouraged. You want the people in your life who will know your in lack by your voice and will step in to help you. You want the ones who will volunteer in your grand opening of your new business because seeing you succeed is like a win for the whole team.
When we date we should keep these kinds of character traits in mind. If they are in constant complaint about what they do for others and can't recognize that you are there to add to their life and that spending time with you is not a chore then they are not ready for a relationship.
If they have a problem with saying no to others, then they will have a problem with saying no to you. That doesn't mean they'll say yes either! It means they can not handle healthy communication and relationships. It means that they will walk away and the phone calls and all communication will stop.
Pray to God you are not pregnant because all of that baby naming he did while he was with you, was just an idea. You are a good idea. I've been that too. But truthfully, most men don't think long term as we women do. When he asked if I would be his lady, that meant "today" and "until"! When we as women think about commitment, we don't think open ended.
What men say sounds so good, especially when it's been a while, but what are they doing?
Remember, love is an action word.
By: Ressurrection Graves
Date: October 12, 2010
For years, women have tried and with much confusion and determination charged forth with the intent to change the heart and mind of a man, without really knowing what they are thinking. So I hope that this list, clarifies some things, and brings you into a reality.
1. He tells a little white lie early on. The last guy that I dated said he was from Alabama and he was a certain age, which was still younger than me. He was alot younger and 1,000 miles away from Alabama (though to me, he had an accent). Even small seemingly unimportant information is key is knowing a person's integrity, self-esteem and allegiance to you. If he lies about something small, what is he withholding? Men mature at a lesser rate than women, so for me to date a younger man, whether he told me the truth or not, his actions told me his age.
2. He tells you he will call and he doesn't. He says he's not a phone person. Any man, black, white or yellow loves the hunt and when he's interested he calls. Men lose interest easy and sometimes we want to keep their attention for longer than we can. It may have nothing to do with you. He could be good at getting the "bait", but unsuccessful at using human life skills to have a decent relationship. This could be age or maturity related.You will find that there are many men that can get a woman, but very few that can actually keep one.
His paralysis is not your problem. You won't get what you need from him. In this situation, the sex is usually good. After all, that's all he's got. It doesn't make him feel as good as you think it does. He's in an immature web of confusion bound by insecurity and lack of clarity. He does not want you you're too much for him. And, even though you want to take the sex with you, you can't, and if you are fortunate enough too, remember that it will come to an end. He doesn't really want you to separate him, the relationship and the sex. Don't believe the hype. If you are a good woman and he knows it, he may not be able to communicate to keep you, but he's not interested in necessarily losing you to someone else either. If he's selfish you act like a mindless puppet or he'll stop calling you.
3. He says, "I Love you", but you notice that he makes no effort to really get to know your heart. He doesn't ask questions and when you confide, he still doesn't ask questions. He may be a good listener but he's not engaged. I find this happens frequently in younger men because they may actually have feelings for you, however have not developed the skills to know what to do with those feelings yet. We all have to make choices. Do you want to sit around and figure out how to teach him to love you, or are you looking for a package? It also depends on the man, because if he is not teachable and does not desire to learn how to communicate and love you, you are again wasting your time. Men go through an evolution, a coming of age, and certain things that come naturally to us, men must learn in order to be emotionally accessible.
4. He makes promises. Men who really like you don't make promises, they do it. "We should do this...." or "I've been thinking in a few months..." Men who are into you buy the tickets, rent the location, make reservations, and make time for you. Just think about the men in your life. Your boss doesn’t promise to come into work the next day, he shows up. Your dad doesn’t have to promise to come home every night, if he comes home it is an automatic response to the end of his day. Men hate timelines, and making promises is usually just buying time in some way. For most men, if they are into, they will lead with actions and speak later. Some men are emotionally in touch, and that is heaven for a woman, but in this instance their words and actions will be aligned.
5. He can't see you. Men who are interested want all of their time with you. If they have family obligations they usually make some adjustment as they are getting to know you and your likes, dislikes, schedules, etc... This is self explanatory. If a man isn’t making time for you, it’s because you’re not a priority. It may hurt, but it’s real. Pay attention to this now because it will likely not change. For someone that is into you but doesn’t make you first priority will not make you a priority down the line either. They may feel more obligated to their family or friends, or even work. It doesn’t make it right but you have a choice in whether you want to play first, second or third.
6. He doesn't enter your world. You go to church but he won't meet you there Sunday morning. He always wants you in his space when it is convenient for him but he is never open to where you will be. Your plans are usually fit into his schedule exclusively. Be mindful of falling into this pattern, because it is easy to get comfortable there and find yourself later unhappy with this convenience for him. It is important that you are both flexible and that you are involved in each other’s activities if you have that kind of relationship. Personally, I love to hang out with my guy. I could care less where we go as long as we are together, but there is absolutely a necessity for romance, dates, moonlit nights etc… Be healthy. Remember to be involved in each other’s lives as well as make enough time for one on one rendevous outside of sex.
7. Dating- He also may be reluctant to date you and blame it on finances. If a woman likes you she is open to free concerts, museums, national parks, walks along the water etc... When two people like each other they could care less what they are doing as long as it is together. If he isn't stepping out of his comfort zone to meet you where you are at all, not only is he not the one, he's not that into you. If you’re comfortable with him making you dinner and being stuck in the house all of the time, get used to it. How you start is how you will finish. Make him get off of the couch. For Christians who are waiting until marriage, you should not be at his house…just don’t do it.
8. Selfless- Males are inherently selfish. Men who have made a life decision to be a better person of integrity and love who have a relationship with the Most High, grasp an understanding of selflessness. Being selfless in my opinion is not dealing with or tolerating a situation. Being selfless is an act of love and you consider the person’s feelings, circumstances, needs above your own. This position is not meant to make you feel inferior or to put you in an unwanted position. Being selfless in the true sense are actions that you commit without thinking about how they affect you. For example, if your lady needs a ride, or money or quality time, moving or lifting something. Women are help meets so we jump at the opportunity to make our man happy, sometimes before we should. The point here is that men are clearly selfish or selfless and you can tell a lot about a man’s heart and where he is in his walk with life if you can determine his ability to selfless instead of self seeking.
9. If you are woman who believes in being submitted, it is really important to ask yourself, is this person someone I can trust with my life. Can you trust him to speak into your life and to make decisions on behalf of you? We often save these questions for after marriage but the truth is, I don't believe it takes years to know somebody. In the past, mothers would tell there daughters not to sleep with someone that they wouldn’t feel they should have a baby with in hopes of discouraging them from choosing the wrong type of man. That makes so much sense, but very few people pay attention to these sentiments. Many people are not even sure of their non-negotiable because they compromise their list so much. But, really is the person that you are hoping, and waiting for by the phone a person that you trust? If you don’t know, chances are you should stop hoping and waiting by the phone until he has answered your question through his actions of course.
10. Friendship- Just watch how they treat you and others around them. Friendship is so important. Is he opening up to you, to create a friendship? Are you on the outside looking in? Are you afraid to call because he may not answer? See, I don't wonder or have insecurities about my friends. I will call them and if I really need them, call them again. If I don't get a call back, I will "stalk" my friends. We may get a good laugh about it but they will see the persistence as an act of love and not that I am crazy. This works both ways. I have friends that will track me down as well. I've had a few that have called my mother but I didn't take that as something to be angry or alarmed about because they are friends. A stranger however, calling my mother looking for me might make me angry and I may consider them crazy because there is no relationship that I feel supports their actions. Whether you're having sex or not, if you don't see any signs that he wants to be your friend, run. He will only mislead you.
Bonus Tip: What does true friendship mean to you? When you figure that out, you will often find that people who you thought loved you, actually don't. You may also find that you have discarded a few people that really had a heart for you. In this life, I've learned that we will experience triumph and tragedy. No matter where we are, you don't want the people in your space who are lukewarm. Those people are there when things are just alright. In other words, they may not be needed in the friendship to do anything but go to outings, laugh and possibly wipe your tears during small fires.
You want the ones who will call you because they notice your routine has changed. You used to call every Friday but now it's been 3 Fridays. You used to talk positive but now you're discouraged. You want the people in your life who will know your in lack by your voice and will step in to help you. You want the ones who will volunteer in your grand opening of your new business because seeing you succeed is like a win for the whole team.
When we date we should keep these kinds of character traits in mind. If they are in constant complaint about what they do for others and can't recognize that you are there to add to their life and that spending time with you is not a chore then they are not ready for a relationship.
If they have a problem with saying no to others, then they will have a problem with saying no to you. That doesn't mean they'll say yes either! It means they can not handle healthy communication and relationships. It means that they will walk away and the phone calls and all communication will stop.
Pray to God you are not pregnant because all of that baby naming he did while he was with you, was just an idea. You are a good idea. I've been that too. But truthfully, most men don't think long term as we women do. When he asked if I would be his lady, that meant "today" and "until"! When we as women think about commitment, we don't think open ended.
What men say sounds so good, especially when it's been a while, but what are they doing?
Remember, love is an action word.
By: Ressurrection Graves
Date: October 12, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
Fear of Dating: Who got issues?
I was watching this movie the other night called Class, and it was timely that the subject of this movie would have such happenstance with me. Single mother, struggling to take care of her son, quits jobs if she cannot be approved for leave to take the child to the doctor as needed. I remember this when my child was younger.
Now, the challenge is more like, do I spend time with her because she needs me or do I work long ridiculous hours and be inaccessible to provide her with food on the table. I am a true believer in the classification of a two parent household, still maintaining balance with work to provide your children with the emotional stability and experience that they need to develop the right character and strengths for this fun filled world.
The similarities of Single mothers are often a lack of support at home, and the feeling of both survival and hopelessness or a sense of pride in mediocrity. An eternal optimist was I until a few years ago when things began to fail in a big way. I stepped out on what may be arguably faith and caused a catastrophic domino effect in different areas of my life.
Where I before felt like She-woman, a person full of both inner and physical brawn, I now feel unsure of this invisibility. In a continued effort to stay sane, I push past the broken-hearted experience of my relationships and try to rebuild financially. Spiritually I have clearly declined in my opinion of myself. I sit in the back of the church hoping people don’t speak, irritated by ushers who talk too much during service, enjoying worship as a sixth man or a towel boy/girl.
I am wanting to still believe in the vision that God has given me for business, and other life experiences but nothing looks like there will ever be a dream come true. The foundation of my relationship with God and the intimacy that resonates with going beyond the veil reminds me that, usually when it is God it doesn’t look like it should. I should endure, and hold on. The truth is, my submission and dedication to God is simple and practically applied to my life.
I am “all in” as I call it. To live without God at this point might make me suicidal. I have an understanding of his love, and I know his presence. But the thought of being bewildered and out of touch with my spiritual self for the rest of this life is an unbearable thought. What in the world would we do without God? Without hope/expectation that things will change when they don’t look like they will. What about his mercy in situations where we may have done wrong and made mistakes but needed his love to rescue us from our faults. Even experiencing the conviction to change, and freedom from condemnation?
Even with that brief solace, much has happened. I have discovered a lot and have quite honestly been damaged. The painful experiences that I have had in the last few years have turned me back in time to a place where no one could be trusted and all relationships are expendable. While my heart knows different, my will is resistant.
I believe it’s true that you are who you are when you are alone. I also believe that you are who you are when you are facing opportunities for intimacy. There is no way to hide your fear or your challenges. You cannot hide yourself from truth much like we cannot fabricate to God.
I met someone, and I am not saying that it’s someone that could be “the one”, but he’s beautiful, successful, and as my list goes, he’s pretty much gotten the checks needed for me to let him in. I didn’t even know that a dam was built. He’s wondering why I’m so private assuming that its insecurity when in actuality, I did not know that I have gotten cold and distant. I have always been emotionally available in my relationships with “boyfriends” if you will.
Lord have mercy, I feel like a loser honestly. I had to sit back and take inventory to figure out what new feelings have emerged without me noticing. I have never felt quite like a failure in this capacity. I’m used to a certain level of independence and implementing survival skills. I broke certain bondages, and generational curses in the area of finances including the mentality of a poverty mind, years ago.
Now, I’m starting over, completely and in meeting people I can’t think of all of the positive outward attributes to share with others. Now, I just thank God openly for being sane through the experiences of loss that I have had.
I know that’s not enough. I know that I encourage others with my famous line to “BE EXTRAORDINARY”. The thing is I met someone that possesses qualities like what I have actually asked for in a man. And, now that he is here, I am shook up, full of fear and pushing him away. I do a good job of that sense I have felt so abandoned all of my life.
Now what? Well, I can’t see myself as I did a few years ago because that would mean that I am completely unaffected by what I have been through. The truth is, I do want love, and someone is going to have to see amazing in me. All the things that we as women have said in a conversation amongst girl talk will need to apply to me.
I’m damaged, but not bitter. I have trust issues and my remedy is not going to be trying to make perfect. As maturity demands, we will continue to become who we are destined to be if we put in the required effort. I am more than willing to do that, but I am not willing to try to become something that I hope someone else will want.
The truth is I need to be held, and loved in a spiritual way. I need someone to see me for more than the family that I came from and the sadness of my life thus far. I want to be captured by the reality that not only do I believe that there is more to my story, but that he does to.
I try to fix things but really, I can’t fix this. Only love can heal my heart and I will know when the one arrives because he will be the last to leave. He may recognize my apprehension without being offended. He’ll see that I’m healthy and I’m strong but sometimes are only changed, filled, healed, restored, whole by a demonstration of love.
Does this tangible experience replace God’s omnipresence? No, however, the reality that we all have different needs, challenges and triumphs remain. After doing all that I have done for personal reflection and daily change, having someone to love me when no else has done so, is a key ingredient. I needed a father, God sent me someone at times in my life, in seasons where I was directed and treated with care. I needed brothers and God did that too. When I expressed my devotion to a dream of having a son, he had my nephews to what seemed almost instantly to fall in love with Auntie.
Only this time, my prayer does not require a temporary solution. I don’t want a boyfriend, I want a best friend. I don’t want a roommate, I want a husband. I want intimacy and the supernatural gift that comes with solidifying a commitment with marriage.
I love God and I recognize his love for me. This is not about God and I in the Holies of Holies. This is about a tangible experience whereby I get to be me, and loved anyway. There is no greater nakedness.
“I think that pretty is what you have and what you are in other people’s eyes. Pretty is now and beautiful is who you are. Pretty is who you are made to be. Beautiful can take you so much farther than pretty. Beautiful speaks from you. Beautiful is there, even if you get ugly. Beautiful is what makes you eclectic.” – Dae’Jah Graves (14 years old)
If I had to answer the question right now of whether I believe that I am pretty, I would say no. And, after hearing my daughter talk in one of our random mommy-daughter conversations, I understand why. I don’t feel pretty. I feel ugly because there is this part of me who thinks that when I walk outside everyone will know my secrets. They will know that I’ve messed up, made mistakes, been taken for granted, had fear, lost things, failed at love, and feel unlovable.
But if you ask me if I think I’m beautiful, with confidence a raised head, postured back and piercing eye contact I will say yes I am beautiful. I know me when I am alone. I know that my drive to leave an impact on the world is pure and that before I am enjoying fruit bearing trees and streets of Gold in Heaven, I will leave a mark that will demonstrate my contribution on earth as it is Heaven. I am beautiful because despite the untruths that my mind must be renewed from identifying with, I know who I am. I can see it in my eyes when I look in the mirror, and I know that my heart longs for love because of my deep desire to give it.
At the end of that movie, Class on the Hallmark Channel the guy discovered that the woman had taken an effect on his life and inspired him to find his place in this world, giving him purpose, and self awareness. While we reserve certain criticisms that downplay the reality of this type of love between two people happening in this odd situation, we have to conclude that in life, love happens. It could be a reconnection from high school, or college. It could be a complete stranger. We really don’t know. What I do know is that he fell in love with her after sitting his initial thoughts and judgments aside to see her heart.
For someone else, it may be choosing to reconcile that we don't come to eachother perfect. Some people's issues are more surfaced than others, and the key is to assess the possibility of long healthy relationship. I am in no way encouraging people to ignore the obvious. Choose who you love carefully, and ensure that you are not compromising your non-negotiable. Make sure that you are both in a perpetual growth stage of life, and that they are able to receive your love through their adjustment to the relationship that is forming. Be Self-Aware and, remember to LOVE. Love is not something you feel, but something you do. It is not something you fall in, but something you choose first. Love is spiritual not physical. All good things can be expressions of love, but love itself always, always looks like GOD.
He will see my heart, and I will see his. Our hearts will share an intimate kiss before our lips ever touch.
-Ressurrection
Now, the challenge is more like, do I spend time with her because she needs me or do I work long ridiculous hours and be inaccessible to provide her with food on the table. I am a true believer in the classification of a two parent household, still maintaining balance with work to provide your children with the emotional stability and experience that they need to develop the right character and strengths for this fun filled world.
The similarities of Single mothers are often a lack of support at home, and the feeling of both survival and hopelessness or a sense of pride in mediocrity. An eternal optimist was I until a few years ago when things began to fail in a big way. I stepped out on what may be arguably faith and caused a catastrophic domino effect in different areas of my life.
Where I before felt like She-woman, a person full of both inner and physical brawn, I now feel unsure of this invisibility. In a continued effort to stay sane, I push past the broken-hearted experience of my relationships and try to rebuild financially. Spiritually I have clearly declined in my opinion of myself. I sit in the back of the church hoping people don’t speak, irritated by ushers who talk too much during service, enjoying worship as a sixth man or a towel boy/girl.
I am wanting to still believe in the vision that God has given me for business, and other life experiences but nothing looks like there will ever be a dream come true. The foundation of my relationship with God and the intimacy that resonates with going beyond the veil reminds me that, usually when it is God it doesn’t look like it should. I should endure, and hold on. The truth is, my submission and dedication to God is simple and practically applied to my life.
I am “all in” as I call it. To live without God at this point might make me suicidal. I have an understanding of his love, and I know his presence. But the thought of being bewildered and out of touch with my spiritual self for the rest of this life is an unbearable thought. What in the world would we do without God? Without hope/expectation that things will change when they don’t look like they will. What about his mercy in situations where we may have done wrong and made mistakes but needed his love to rescue us from our faults. Even experiencing the conviction to change, and freedom from condemnation?
Even with that brief solace, much has happened. I have discovered a lot and have quite honestly been damaged. The painful experiences that I have had in the last few years have turned me back in time to a place where no one could be trusted and all relationships are expendable. While my heart knows different, my will is resistant.
I believe it’s true that you are who you are when you are alone. I also believe that you are who you are when you are facing opportunities for intimacy. There is no way to hide your fear or your challenges. You cannot hide yourself from truth much like we cannot fabricate to God.
I met someone, and I am not saying that it’s someone that could be “the one”, but he’s beautiful, successful, and as my list goes, he’s pretty much gotten the checks needed for me to let him in. I didn’t even know that a dam was built. He’s wondering why I’m so private assuming that its insecurity when in actuality, I did not know that I have gotten cold and distant. I have always been emotionally available in my relationships with “boyfriends” if you will.
Lord have mercy, I feel like a loser honestly. I had to sit back and take inventory to figure out what new feelings have emerged without me noticing. I have never felt quite like a failure in this capacity. I’m used to a certain level of independence and implementing survival skills. I broke certain bondages, and generational curses in the area of finances including the mentality of a poverty mind, years ago.
Now, I’m starting over, completely and in meeting people I can’t think of all of the positive outward attributes to share with others. Now, I just thank God openly for being sane through the experiences of loss that I have had.
I know that’s not enough. I know that I encourage others with my famous line to “BE EXTRAORDINARY”. The thing is I met someone that possesses qualities like what I have actually asked for in a man. And, now that he is here, I am shook up, full of fear and pushing him away. I do a good job of that sense I have felt so abandoned all of my life.
Now what? Well, I can’t see myself as I did a few years ago because that would mean that I am completely unaffected by what I have been through. The truth is, I do want love, and someone is going to have to see amazing in me. All the things that we as women have said in a conversation amongst girl talk will need to apply to me.
I’m damaged, but not bitter. I have trust issues and my remedy is not going to be trying to make perfect. As maturity demands, we will continue to become who we are destined to be if we put in the required effort. I am more than willing to do that, but I am not willing to try to become something that I hope someone else will want.
The truth is I need to be held, and loved in a spiritual way. I need someone to see me for more than the family that I came from and the sadness of my life thus far. I want to be captured by the reality that not only do I believe that there is more to my story, but that he does to.
I try to fix things but really, I can’t fix this. Only love can heal my heart and I will know when the one arrives because he will be the last to leave. He may recognize my apprehension without being offended. He’ll see that I’m healthy and I’m strong but sometimes are only changed, filled, healed, restored, whole by a demonstration of love.
Does this tangible experience replace God’s omnipresence? No, however, the reality that we all have different needs, challenges and triumphs remain. After doing all that I have done for personal reflection and daily change, having someone to love me when no else has done so, is a key ingredient. I needed a father, God sent me someone at times in my life, in seasons where I was directed and treated with care. I needed brothers and God did that too. When I expressed my devotion to a dream of having a son, he had my nephews to what seemed almost instantly to fall in love with Auntie.
Only this time, my prayer does not require a temporary solution. I don’t want a boyfriend, I want a best friend. I don’t want a roommate, I want a husband. I want intimacy and the supernatural gift that comes with solidifying a commitment with marriage.
I love God and I recognize his love for me. This is not about God and I in the Holies of Holies. This is about a tangible experience whereby I get to be me, and loved anyway. There is no greater nakedness.
“I think that pretty is what you have and what you are in other people’s eyes. Pretty is now and beautiful is who you are. Pretty is who you are made to be. Beautiful can take you so much farther than pretty. Beautiful speaks from you. Beautiful is there, even if you get ugly. Beautiful is what makes you eclectic.” – Dae’Jah Graves (14 years old)
If I had to answer the question right now of whether I believe that I am pretty, I would say no. And, after hearing my daughter talk in one of our random mommy-daughter conversations, I understand why. I don’t feel pretty. I feel ugly because there is this part of me who thinks that when I walk outside everyone will know my secrets. They will know that I’ve messed up, made mistakes, been taken for granted, had fear, lost things, failed at love, and feel unlovable.
But if you ask me if I think I’m beautiful, with confidence a raised head, postured back and piercing eye contact I will say yes I am beautiful. I know me when I am alone. I know that my drive to leave an impact on the world is pure and that before I am enjoying fruit bearing trees and streets of Gold in Heaven, I will leave a mark that will demonstrate my contribution on earth as it is Heaven. I am beautiful because despite the untruths that my mind must be renewed from identifying with, I know who I am. I can see it in my eyes when I look in the mirror, and I know that my heart longs for love because of my deep desire to give it.
At the end of that movie, Class on the Hallmark Channel the guy discovered that the woman had taken an effect on his life and inspired him to find his place in this world, giving him purpose, and self awareness. While we reserve certain criticisms that downplay the reality of this type of love between two people happening in this odd situation, we have to conclude that in life, love happens. It could be a reconnection from high school, or college. It could be a complete stranger. We really don’t know. What I do know is that he fell in love with her after sitting his initial thoughts and judgments aside to see her heart.
For someone else, it may be choosing to reconcile that we don't come to eachother perfect. Some people's issues are more surfaced than others, and the key is to assess the possibility of long healthy relationship. I am in no way encouraging people to ignore the obvious. Choose who you love carefully, and ensure that you are not compromising your non-negotiable. Make sure that you are both in a perpetual growth stage of life, and that they are able to receive your love through their adjustment to the relationship that is forming. Be Self-Aware and, remember to LOVE. Love is not something you feel, but something you do. It is not something you fall in, but something you choose first. Love is spiritual not physical. All good things can be expressions of love, but love itself always, always looks like GOD.
He will see my heart, and I will see his. Our hearts will share an intimate kiss before our lips ever touch.
-Ressurrection
Saturday, August 7, 2010
History of Massage
History of Massage
When asked what he attributed to his youthful vibrancy,
the late 100 year- old comedian Bob Hope said...
"I get a daily massage!"
Massage is believed to be oldest and simplest form of medical care. During Jesus' time there was laying of hands and often by the recipients faith in the power of energy from God the illness would miraculously be healed. Egyptian tomb paintings show people being massaged. In Eastern cultures, massage has been practiced continually since ancient times. A Chinese book from 2,700 B.C., The Yellow Emperor's Classic of Internal Medicine, recommends 'breathing exercises, massage of skin and flesh, and exercises of hands and feet" as the appropriate treatment for -complete paralysis, chills, and fever." It was one of the principal method of relieving pain for Greek and Roman physicians. Julius Caesar was said to have been given a daily massage to treat neuralgia. "The Physician Must Be Experienced In Many Things," wrote Hippocrates, the father of Western medicine, in the 5th century B. C., "but assuredly in rubbing.. . for rubbing can bind a joint that is too loose, and loosen a joint that is too rigid." Ayurveda, the traditional Indian system of medicine, places great emphasis on the therapeutic benefits of massage with aromatic oils and spices. It is practiced very widely in India.
Doctors such as Ambroise Pare, a 16th-century physician to the French court, praised massage as a treatment for various ailments. Swedish massage, the method most familiar to Westerners, was developed in the 19th century by a Swedish doctor, poet, and educator named Per Henrik Ling. His system was based on a study of gymnastics and physiology, and on techniques borrowed from China, Egypt, Greece, and Rome. Physiotherapy, originally based on Ling's methods, was established with the foundation in 1894 of the Society of Trained Masseurs. During World War I patients suffering from nerve injury or shell shock were treated with massage. St. Thomas's Hospital, London, had a department of massage until 1934. However, later breakthroughs in medical technology and pharmacology eclipsed massage as physiotherapists began increasingly to favor electrical instruments over manual methods of stimulating the tissues.Massage is now used in intensive care units, for children, elderly people, babies in incubators, and patients with cancer, AIDS, heart attacks, or strokes. Most American hospices have some kind of bodywork therapy available, and it is frequently offered in health centers, drug treatment clinics, and pain clinics.
1960' s late- John Barnes,developed Myofascial Release Therapy
1971 -Core Energetics Started by Dr. John Pierralcos in 1971, core energetics adds a more spiritual aspect to bioenergetics.
1972 - Moshe Feldenkrais, writes "Awareness Through Movement" which follows up to his 1949 publication "The Body and Mature Behavior". Studies of sensory awareness and movement re-education somewhat based on F.M. Alexander's work.
1973 -Zero Balancing was developed by osteopath and
acupuncturist Dr. Fritz Smith
1976 -Myotherapy developed by Bonnie Prudden
1978 - Joseph Heller started Hellerwork (form of rolfing)
1983 - Janet Travell writes book. with David Simons. "Myofascial Pain and Dysfunction: The Triggerpoint Manual : Volumes I & 2
1990’s - David Palmer creates and markets On Site Massage.
1990 - protocol for Fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS) defined by the American College of Rheumatology
There are over 80 different massage modalities. Some of them are a variation of the other but have the same principle effect for example. Trigger Point therapy is a western technique that is a variation of Shiatsu (China), and Thai bodywork, and Acupressure. Acupuncture is the form of work that uses bite size needles, while Acupressure is the same work performed by a massage therapist. Reflexology was the original name for Zone Therapy.Hellerwork is a variation of Rolfing and Osteopathy. Massage Therapists in my opinion, who are skilled and trained properly are an asset to any hospital offering knowledge that Physical Therapists, Occupational Therapists, and Chiropractors know. At H.E.A.L. Massage and Bodywork we offer all of our expertise into the massage that you receive. We do not try to upsell you on the table which is why you get a Body Maintenance Massage TM (our customized full body) and it covers whatever it is that our consultation and assessments determine your body needs.
When asked what he attributed to his youthful vibrancy,
the late 100 year- old comedian Bob Hope said...
"I get a daily massage!"
Massage is believed to be oldest and simplest form of medical care. During Jesus' time there was laying of hands and often by the recipients faith in the power of energy from God the illness would miraculously be healed. Egyptian tomb paintings show people being massaged. In Eastern cultures, massage has been practiced continually since ancient times. A Chinese book from 2,700 B.C., The Yellow Emperor's Classic of Internal Medicine, recommends 'breathing exercises, massage of skin and flesh, and exercises of hands and feet" as the appropriate treatment for -complete paralysis, chills, and fever." It was one of the principal method of relieving pain for Greek and Roman physicians. Julius Caesar was said to have been given a daily massage to treat neuralgia. "The Physician Must Be Experienced In Many Things," wrote Hippocrates, the father of Western medicine, in the 5th century B. C., "but assuredly in rubbing.. . for rubbing can bind a joint that is too loose, and loosen a joint that is too rigid." Ayurveda, the traditional Indian system of medicine, places great emphasis on the therapeutic benefits of massage with aromatic oils and spices. It is practiced very widely in India.
Doctors such as Ambroise Pare, a 16th-century physician to the French court, praised massage as a treatment for various ailments. Swedish massage, the method most familiar to Westerners, was developed in the 19th century by a Swedish doctor, poet, and educator named Per Henrik Ling. His system was based on a study of gymnastics and physiology, and on techniques borrowed from China, Egypt, Greece, and Rome. Physiotherapy, originally based on Ling's methods, was established with the foundation in 1894 of the Society of Trained Masseurs. During World War I patients suffering from nerve injury or shell shock were treated with massage. St. Thomas's Hospital, London, had a department of massage until 1934. However, later breakthroughs in medical technology and pharmacology eclipsed massage as physiotherapists began increasingly to favor electrical instruments over manual methods of stimulating the tissues.Massage is now used in intensive care units, for children, elderly people, babies in incubators, and patients with cancer, AIDS, heart attacks, or strokes. Most American hospices have some kind of bodywork therapy available, and it is frequently offered in health centers, drug treatment clinics, and pain clinics.
1960' s late- John Barnes,developed Myofascial Release Therapy
1971 -Core Energetics Started by Dr. John Pierralcos in 1971, core energetics adds a more spiritual aspect to bioenergetics.
1972 - Moshe Feldenkrais, writes "Awareness Through Movement" which follows up to his 1949 publication "The Body and Mature Behavior". Studies of sensory awareness and movement re-education somewhat based on F.M. Alexander's work.
1973 -Zero Balancing was developed by osteopath and
acupuncturist Dr. Fritz Smith
1976 -Myotherapy developed by Bonnie Prudden
1978 - Joseph Heller started Hellerwork (form of rolfing)
1983 - Janet Travell writes book. with David Simons. "Myofascial Pain and Dysfunction: The Triggerpoint Manual : Volumes I & 2
1990’s - David Palmer creates and markets On Site Massage.
1990 - protocol for Fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS) defined by the American College of Rheumatology
There are over 80 different massage modalities. Some of them are a variation of the other but have the same principle effect for example. Trigger Point therapy is a western technique that is a variation of Shiatsu (China), and Thai bodywork, and Acupressure. Acupuncture is the form of work that uses bite size needles, while Acupressure is the same work performed by a massage therapist. Reflexology was the original name for Zone Therapy.Hellerwork is a variation of Rolfing and Osteopathy. Massage Therapists in my opinion, who are skilled and trained properly are an asset to any hospital offering knowledge that Physical Therapists, Occupational Therapists, and Chiropractors know. At H.E.A.L. Massage and Bodywork we offer all of our expertise into the massage that you receive. We do not try to upsell you on the table which is why you get a Body Maintenance Massage TM (our customized full body) and it covers whatever it is that our consultation and assessments determine your body needs.
Marketing Tips Part Three- Website Content: What message are you sending?
There are four different types of websites. They can be custom built or as many boutique business owners with little capital rely on, templates that offer a professional look for very little cost. Your website is the watchmen on the wall. It is your resume, and your peep show to the world. While some people think, "I need a website", others think "I need a brand".
For many people who do not understand branding, there are subtle influences that you can put on your site that convey your heart message to the world. As the owner, whatever is in your heart will come out of you, and pour down on your business like a beautiful but violent waterfall.
Our ideas of professional are different, as are our ideas of what is eye catching. The four types of websites are important only for you to determine where you are in the process of developing the vision for your company that others can see.
Personal websites - in my opinion offer no real benefit unless you are marketing yourself with an online resume or press kit. If you have a business you can avoid a separate website by including a page for the Owner/CEO/President's Message and Biography.
Educational sites - These websites are designed to educate you on particular issues. They may be themed or be owned and maintained by an organization that is non or for profit. This type of website is not income producing, much like personal websites.
Information sites- The do exactly that, provide information. Much like a personal website but for the company. It serves more as a resume than a sales agent.
Commercial sites - Commercial sites are income producing period. It adds no advantage to you as a business to have access the world and not offer a product or service that one can click a button to become a part of. While some industries are more face to face, and find that they prefer to keep an informational website, you may actually be giving your business away. Again, this window is wide open and your website must reflect your level of business acumen. If you are a $5-$10M company but your website is poorly put together, you will lose larger firms who may desire to do business with you, not because they know you, but because of their first impression with your site.
I am going to share with you five quick tips with DO's and DO NOT's when considering a website upgrade.
“People should be able to opt in for tips on how to take care of their homes and business after treatments. You should be educating them. After all, we as a society believe the experts. You can recycle media topics and relate it to your business. For example, when the National Harbor was being dug out, and the GayLord at the National Harbor in Maryland had that horrible rat problem, someone in your Marketing Department could have written a newsletter about new construction and how to handle pests during that situation. In the last paragraph, it would name your company as the source for pest control when in those types of situations. This could have been sent out to commercial realtors and clients alike.
The percentage of single, unmarried women are tremendous. I don’t know about other women but bugs scare me therefore I am not educated about them, at all. I just know to scream and run. Which are poisonous, or diseased? Which are not good for babies to be around? If I see one how many is there really? What about myths of moth balls? Bleach for mice? You follow me… Your website must be user friendly. In addition to opting in so that you can capture their information, you also need to have something on the website that they can buy. Or, perhaps you would have something on the website that they can capture from it like a “Book Now” feature so that people can request appointments immediately as they are thinking about it.”
You may say that this does not apply to you because your are not a pest control company, I beg to differ. This relates to any business who will want to implement solutions that will increase their business revenue, visibility and vitality.
I hope that you found this article refreshing and that it sparked some creativity in you to revamp your website or marketing materials. For Branding experts and other high caliber professionals that I know who will transform your business feel free to reach out to me anytime.
For many people who do not understand branding, there are subtle influences that you can put on your site that convey your heart message to the world. As the owner, whatever is in your heart will come out of you, and pour down on your business like a beautiful but violent waterfall.
Our ideas of professional are different, as are our ideas of what is eye catching. The four types of websites are important only for you to determine where you are in the process of developing the vision for your company that others can see.
Personal websites - in my opinion offer no real benefit unless you are marketing yourself with an online resume or press kit. If you have a business you can avoid a separate website by including a page for the Owner/CEO/President's Message and Biography.
Educational sites - These websites are designed to educate you on particular issues. They may be themed or be owned and maintained by an organization that is non or for profit. This type of website is not income producing, much like personal websites.
Information sites- The do exactly that, provide information. Much like a personal website but for the company. It serves more as a resume than a sales agent.
Commercial sites - Commercial sites are income producing period. It adds no advantage to you as a business to have access the world and not offer a product or service that one can click a button to become a part of. While some industries are more face to face, and find that they prefer to keep an informational website, you may actually be giving your business away. Again, this window is wide open and your website must reflect your level of business acumen. If you are a $5-$10M company but your website is poorly put together, you will lose larger firms who may desire to do business with you, not because they know you, but because of their first impression with your site.
I am going to share with you five quick tips with DO's and DO NOT's when considering a website upgrade.
- DO- Determine your Brand Identity. Who are you? What role do you desire to play in your industry? Leader? Mom and Pop shop? What is your commitment to building relationships and maximizing your income? When you figure out your Brand Identity, you then can move on to executing a Brand that will draw people to you. I am not a brand specialist but I do know some that are worth every penny. Businesses take time to build. We want the millions but simple things like spending money on brand identity and then branding will determine the value of your business and its validity in the marketplace for years to come.
- DO NOT- get a flash website. Not on the home page, or any page. It's annoying and takes too much time.You want an online service that pops. One that tells people how professional you are and committed to their total experience without you ever having to say a word. When websites became popular, people quickly sought to set themselves apart by getting flash websites. What they found in the end was that people want a fresh, professional look that reflects you as a company, but not for it to take a long time. Flash
- DO- Consider your website content. Make sure that your information on the website leads to a sale. I don't know what took me so long but I have added a "History of Massage" page to my website because it provides information to the clients but also because Google and other Search Engines will pick up key words that will bring clients to my website.
- DO NOT Get a website that is not functional and looks out of place for your business. For example, if you are charging $35 a massage (which no one should), and your website gives the impression that they are coming to a luxury spa, there is imbalance. The savvy customer will know it and leave the website thinking that you are going to scam them. The clueless customer will have high expectations and show great disappointment with the difference between your location and the website. I always encourage people to use some real pictures on your website if virtual tour is not an option. Additionally, leave the virtual tour to the high end businesses with luxury atmospheres.
- DO- Opt in Newsletters so that you can provide the education through this medium and have clients respond to your newsletters with new purchases, and booked appointments.
This is something that I wrote as a suggestion for one local Pest Control Company...
The percentage of single, unmarried women are tremendous. I don’t know about other women but bugs scare me therefore I am not educated about them, at all. I just know to scream and run. Which are poisonous, or diseased? Which are not good for babies to be around? If I see one how many is there really? What about myths of moth balls? Bleach for mice? You follow me… Your website must be user friendly. In addition to opting in so that you can capture their information, you also need to have something on the website that they can buy. Or, perhaps you would have something on the website that they can capture from it like a “Book Now” feature so that people can request appointments immediately as they are thinking about it.”
You may say that this does not apply to you because your are not a pest control company, I beg to differ. This relates to any business who will want to implement solutions that will increase their business revenue, visibility and vitality.
I hope that you found this article refreshing and that it sparked some creativity in you to revamp your website or marketing materials. For Branding experts and other high caliber professionals that I know who will transform your business feel free to reach out to me anytime.
For more Marketing Tips and Strategic Planning to help your business grow, feel free to contact Ressurrection Graves, Owner of H.E.A.L. Massage and Bodywork at www.healmassageandbodywork.com
Marketing Tips Part Two- Purchasing an existing company with Warranties, Return and Exchange Policies
Purchasing a company can be a task and a half. You have so much paperwork to go over, and the inspection process of their accounts receivables, and inventory can be almost painful. Nonetheless, there are many business owners who assume the businesses of other in hopes of creating a winning brand, cornering the market and increase their revenue.
Be careful to find out what warranties your prospective new company has given to their clients. Find out what their policies and procedures are for returns and exchanges. You must know what man hours you will be responsible for and either include the price of your estimation into the reduction of your value purchase of the property, or walk away so that you don't get taken advantage of.
Warranties
If you find yourself in this type of situation, you may want to consider some ways of capitalizing on the existing clients, fulfilling the warranties and making them your brand new clients! You are not benefiting from going out for free to fulfill a warranty so here is another option.
- Look over the warranty with a fine tooth comb, figure out what is missing and sell it. For example if in the warranty you do not cover a certain type of product, let the customer know that. If the warranty says that you will use a generic brand, offer the premium and let them decide. It is a sales tactic. Another example is that you could have them to upgrade a service or make something of value available to them….for purchase. You can also just tell them about “other services” and the warranty that you all provide. I can help you with ideas for this if you would like.
- Look over the purchase documents and determine whether you are required to fulfill the warranties. In either case your best way to resolve this type of situation may be to offer a "new service" on an existing offer that these customers may not be aware of, or a sell a product that takes less man hours to fulfill.
If you have acquired a business with a returns/exchanges policy that you may not agree with, you will want to make sure that you are aware of the policy and come up with a plain to retain the customer base that you have just paid for.
In any business deal, all things are negotiable. The key to a win-win business deal is making sure that both parties feel like they have won when the last piece of paper is signed. If at any time you feel like you are compromising your non-negotiables, just as I would advise in a relationship, walk away. If it is was meant for you, it will come back.
For more Marketing Tips and Strategic Planning to help your business grow, feel free to contact Ressurrection Graves, Owner of H.E.A.L. Massage and Bodywork at www.healmassageandbodywork.com
Marketing Tips Part One- Quality Assurance Specialists
It has been said that your Marketing plan is the most important part of your business plan. We have heard the loosely spoken quote that "Marketing is 95% of your business". There are definitely specific forms of marketing and sales tactics that work for specialized industries. In order to appeal to you all, I want to give a few pointers on things to consider for sprucing up your office and opening the door for a flood of new clients and income.
Quality Assurance Specialists
Years ago, I worked for the Washington DC Government in the Mayor's Office in the Communications Department as a Quality Assurance Specialist. My job for 8 hours a day was to call the various DC Government agencies pretending to be a citizen inquiring about something that their agency may or may not have offered. We had to find out a few things as I remember. I have listed a few of them below.
- Did the person answer the phone professionally? Was their clear tone in their voice? Did they over talk you? Did they answer the phone popping gum or carrying on other conversations?
- Did they answer your question and if they did not, did they hang up or continue providing extraordinary customer service by getting you the answer or resources that you needed?
- Was their attitude in their voice when they needed to provide you with answers? Did they seem polite, excited, professional, friendly?
These are just a few quality assurance questions that the Mayor wanted answered. There were constant review of the reports, and we had to write up our thoughts about each call in addition to the multiple choice questions. The telephone calls were timed, and the receptionists, and others that we spoke with on the phone's name were recorded.
Every week, month, quarter the agencies were judged, and percentages did not lie. There were 4 or 5 of us and we did not know the assignments that we would have. So they took all of our reports into consideration for each agency.
You can find some way to include this into your current customer service platform. I thought that this was genius of the Mayor to implement.
One suggestion that I can offer for installation of this type of program is to train your Accounts Receivables staff to provide for customer friendly service, and provide Quality Assurance surveys.
At the end of the phone call the accounts receivable/quality assurance specialists could remind them of their balance and give them payment options. If you want to take it to the next level you could have the clients who have had an amazing experience be offered to have their testimonial on the website.
Developing customer relationships are critical to the survivorship for your business. For those customers/clients who are emotionally connected to your project, they desire to see you succeed, and they want to be the last person to owe you money. I believe that accounts receivables departments cost more money to the company when the owners use scare and intimidation tactics thinking that people will pay their debts.
We are in an age where people’s credits have no reflection of their integrity in my opinion. For many paying a bill, is not more important than eating but for those bills that they are able to pay, I can almost guarantee that there is an emotional connection and loyalty for the company they choose to make a priority to clear debt from.
For more Marketing Tips and Strategic Planning to help your business grow, feel free to contact Ressurrection Graves, Owner of H.E.A.L. Massage and Bodywork at www.healmassageandbodywork.com
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